When I was younger I kept an obnoxiously dream journal. (Now that I think about it, I have no idea where that notebook is...) Recently after having my extremely vivid dreams I shared some of the stories with my roommate. He said that maybe I should start drawing the things I remember from my dreams.
Do you believe in your dreams? Recently a friend was explaining his beliefs and part of it came to dreams being a way that we connected to ourselves in other dimensions. Or rather, that is how I remember it. I can sympathize. My dreams are mostly important to me (depends on the message) and I think there's some merit to reoccurring themes. A lot of the themes in my childhood, detailed in my journal, were reminiscent of fears.
As a child I had a lot of dreams that my father died for me. Oftentimes it was the same one. He sacrificed so much and many times I woke up crying. Other times I was ashamed because my father caught me doing things - it wasn't important what I was doing it was just the act of getting caught. I was plagued by guilt.
As a young teenager what was once fatherly love turned into abuse and persecution. They grew worse as I aged. He was out to kill me. I was scared of him and that fear lingered in my dreams. I hated that more than anything because for the longest time my dreams were my escape from my life.
At this age I am now, my dreams have become odd, bizarre and at times, mundane. It's hard to see what the theme is. Perhaps I will start recording my dreams again.
31 March 2014
20 March 2014
Know Your Life's Purpose
I really do enjoy TED talks and the insights they can provide. Regardless of how I may feel about the information being presented, it gives me something new to add to my perspective and positively change. On a night while I was splurging on some videos I came across Adam Leipzig's talk on "How to find out your life's purpose in five minutes". Instantly attractive - in light of recent events it struck a chord with me.
I have dropped out of college after two and a half years. My reasons: I felt like I was wasting my time, my major didn't mean much of anything to me, I was depressed all the time, I wanted to do something more meaningful with my life. Now, I think going to college can be a wonderful thing but it is not something that works for me at this point in my life. And so before I spent any more money, I stopped. This frightens me still because of my mother - she is convinced I can't have any life unless I get a college degree. She wants me to make a lot of money, to have a good job and be self-sustaining and although I find that these goals have merit and value college is not the only path. I have friends who are nervous for me. One tells me he has lost some respect for me and the only way I can get it back is by going back to school back into biology. Another tells me that even if I can teach myself art I should still use the resources at a school. I can understand their nervousness for it is a lot like how I can remember my mother's worries - they all feel that I can achieve so much and it looks like I am not doing anything.
So, now that you have that background there's this video I mentioned earlier. About knowing your life's purpose. That really struck a chord with me. And when I took the steps, I realized I want to show people love. Attention.
Who are you? T.....
What do I love to do? Draw and love
Who do I do it for? Myself + family
What do they want and need? Love and affection
How do they change as a result? Happy
To view the video, here it is!
I have dropped out of college after two and a half years. My reasons: I felt like I was wasting my time, my major didn't mean much of anything to me, I was depressed all the time, I wanted to do something more meaningful with my life. Now, I think going to college can be a wonderful thing but it is not something that works for me at this point in my life. And so before I spent any more money, I stopped. This frightens me still because of my mother - she is convinced I can't have any life unless I get a college degree. She wants me to make a lot of money, to have a good job and be self-sustaining and although I find that these goals have merit and value college is not the only path. I have friends who are nervous for me. One tells me he has lost some respect for me and the only way I can get it back is by going back to school back into biology. Another tells me that even if I can teach myself art I should still use the resources at a school. I can understand their nervousness for it is a lot like how I can remember my mother's worries - they all feel that I can achieve so much and it looks like I am not doing anything.
So, now that you have that background there's this video I mentioned earlier. About knowing your life's purpose. That really struck a chord with me. And when I took the steps, I realized I want to show people love. Attention.
Who are you? T.....
What do I love to do? Draw and love
Who do I do it for? Myself + family
What do they want and need? Love and affection
How do they change as a result? Happy
To view the video, here it is!
Fungi
Three nights ago now, I had a peculiar and disturbing dream. Curiosity was born: what were the limits of fungi? A particular semester I had taken a Genetics course (with the supplement co-requisite lab) with a professor who had a background in mycology. This was easily made visible through some of the examples and anecdotes she used in her lectures and I greatly appreciate this. Because I can still remember some of this and it pulls on my creative strings. This came out in my dreams:
Can you imagine a collection of hyphae organized to mimic humans? Sentient life that had a very real and visceral goal? I dreamed that. And quickly before I forget this past dream - fighting, packaging warehouse, goal, unkillable?, thought to be dead, urinal. Anyway, those first two sentences sparked this desire to know more about fungi. As well as the possible development of a little mini comic.
While doing some light research I came across Paul Stamets TED talk which I highly encourage you to watch here. It just gives me a ton of ammo with which to take this prospective comic to. And there's so much more information out there!
Can you imagine a collection of hyphae organized to mimic humans? Sentient life that had a very real and visceral goal? I dreamed that. And quickly before I forget this past dream - fighting, packaging warehouse, goal, unkillable?, thought to be dead, urinal. Anyway, those first two sentences sparked this desire to know more about fungi. As well as the possible development of a little mini comic.
While doing some light research I came across Paul Stamets TED talk which I highly encourage you to watch here. It just gives me a ton of ammo with which to take this prospective comic to. And there's so much more information out there!
18 March 2014
New Yoshi's Island
About 4 days ago the new Yoshi's Island game was released for the Nintendo 3DS. Sadly, I had forgotten about it until the 15th when I checked my Nintendo e-Shop account and found a balance of $50 I didn't know I had and bought the game with maddening glee. Yesterday, I played it and was delighted they were every bit as cute as I remember with all the lovely sounds. However, something was missing...
As part of our preparation for St. Patrick's day festivities my friends and I headed into the nearest city city and walked into a GameStop. I had been fixated on it all day - immediately I ran to the corner of DS and 3DS games wondering if I really needed it. Was it worth it? Vexed, I stared at those lovely game cases. I wanted one. I wanted one really bad. Could I justify buying it in my financial situation? Not really but that didn't stop the want. How could I have a Yoshi game without the game case?
A friend said, "You have a problem". I know I do. This statement doesn't bother me. I know it to be true.
So here's a picture to cheer me up a little. Maybe I'll settle for buying the game poster. Isn't it absolutely adorable?
As part of our preparation for St. Patrick's day festivities my friends and I headed into the nearest city city and walked into a GameStop. I had been fixated on it all day - immediately I ran to the corner of DS and 3DS games wondering if I really needed it. Was it worth it? Vexed, I stared at those lovely game cases. I wanted one. I wanted one really bad. Could I justify buying it in my financial situation? Not really but that didn't stop the want. How could I have a Yoshi game without the game case?
A friend said, "You have a problem". I know I do. This statement doesn't bother me. I know it to be true.
So here's a picture to cheer me up a little. Maybe I'll settle for buying the game poster. Isn't it absolutely adorable?
12 March 2014
Food Stamps or SNAP
Food stamps.
At this point in my life I consider myself terribly broke simply living from paycheck to paycheck. Quite a few people go through this stage, some never get out. Recently I've been making some observations about my spending habits and money flow so I can best determine a practical budget. During that time I realize just how much of my paycheck (after rent and bills) is left to pay for essentials: next to nothing. I suppose if I wanted to save money I could live off of the energy of the universe and dew drops but I'm not anywhere near that level of badassery.
So... food stamps! Honestly, I thought they were for the people who lived in absolute poverty (the ones that can actually get Pell Grants for college) and had never once considered that I might be eligible. I work for minimum wage in my state at $7.25 an hour and get about 20 hours per week (depending on the people at work). Only today, and because my best friend mentioned it, I thought about applying for them to ease up the burden and start paying down my debt (student loans FTW). So I did a little bit of digging and found this lovely "article" that summarizes the process and paperwork necessary to apply for SNAP benefits here. They even include an online tool to estimate your chances of getting access to benefits.
Surprisingly, or not surprisingly, a lot of the stores in my town (including the butcher - woot) accept SNAP benefits. More to come on this later.
At this point in my life I consider myself terribly broke simply living from paycheck to paycheck. Quite a few people go through this stage, some never get out. Recently I've been making some observations about my spending habits and money flow so I can best determine a practical budget. During that time I realize just how much of my paycheck (after rent and bills) is left to pay for essentials: next to nothing. I suppose if I wanted to save money I could live off of the energy of the universe and dew drops but I'm not anywhere near that level of badassery.
So... food stamps! Honestly, I thought they were for the people who lived in absolute poverty (the ones that can actually get Pell Grants for college) and had never once considered that I might be eligible. I work for minimum wage in my state at $7.25 an hour and get about 20 hours per week (depending on the people at work). Only today, and because my best friend mentioned it, I thought about applying for them to ease up the burden and start paying down my debt (student loans FTW). So I did a little bit of digging and found this lovely "article" that summarizes the process and paperwork necessary to apply for SNAP benefits here. They even include an online tool to estimate your chances of getting access to benefits.
Surprisingly, or not surprisingly, a lot of the stores in my town (including the butcher - woot) accept SNAP benefits. More to come on this later.
11 March 2014
Social Hermit
Depression is a bit of a killer on the social scene. It takes the life out of you, makes you quiet on the inside because all the fun and positive things are beaten out by a constant painful droning. But I need it sometimes so I don't feel so... alone in the world.
If I can strike a conversation with someone then I don't have too think so much on my part about myself. The more I can distract myself the less I can try not to feel or focus on. Otherwise, I'm an inert mess. I do nothing with myself.
Sometimes I write, kind of like now.
Sometimes I think about meeting all sorts of wonderful people in the world and then I remember how much some of them actually agitate me (like guy at work who won't stop pestering me to hang out). Curses! It's spring break and all the friends have gone home.
If I can strike a conversation with someone then I don't have too think so much on my part about myself. The more I can distract myself the less I can try not to feel or focus on. Otherwise, I'm an inert mess. I do nothing with myself.
Sometimes I write, kind of like now.
Sometimes I think about meeting all sorts of wonderful people in the world and then I remember how much some of them actually agitate me (like guy at work who won't stop pestering me to hang out). Curses! It's spring break and all the friends have gone home.
06 March 2014
Meal-time Meltdown
Thinking. Today I was thinking about our poor skeleton crew as we were swamped with an endless horde of customers. A handful were understanding (thank you strangers) and the rest were not.
Despite working at a fast-food chain restaurant I actually enjoy it. This is one of the best times I can openly observe people's behaviors. Treatment of workers in this industry is notorious. You hear such wonderful things in general! And this is understandable - customers treat you like shit. As soon as you take a step behind that counter you're not even a person.
Despite working at a fast-food chain restaurant I actually enjoy it. This is one of the best times I can openly observe people's behaviors. Treatment of workers in this industry is notorious. You hear such wonderful things in general! And this is understandable - customers treat you like shit. As soon as you take a step behind that counter you're not even a person.
Going to College
After attending college for two years and a semester I've come to this working conclusion: something about me and college doesn't seem to mix.
Recently I thought the fault lay in the major I picked. As a bushy-tailed freshmen I had decided upon the holy grail of science! Go biology! Except I got burnt out. I didn't want to put the effort into making a goal of becoming a biochemical engineer because honestly, things got less interesting and I wasn't able to motivate myself like before. There were other factors but all in all I had a terrible realization in 2011. If you remember correctly that was the year the Mayan calendar "predicted" the end of the world in December. Even though we all knew it wasn't going to end, part of me wondered that if my life had ended would I have been proud of what I had done? Would I have been happy? And the overwhelming answer was no, no I would not be. Even though I might be proud of some things and I had learned a lot of awesome things I was pretty useless as an adult. No matter what they may say, college did nothing to educate me about life. Those lessons weren't taught. I found myself panicking over things like learning how to drive (yeah, still have to do that), figuring out what the hell a bar tab is or things like rent and how to get an apartment. What stood out most though was this: I've been going to school most of my conscious life - I haven't done anything else.
I want to do things! I want to be crazy and live it up and educate myself along the way. I thought that changing my major to a long time passion of mine, drawing, would help but heck, why do I need to pay out the ass for it? I can teach myself, and work a minimal job to keep up with the rent. There's so much more, so much more I want to do.
Recently I thought the fault lay in the major I picked. As a bushy-tailed freshmen I had decided upon the holy grail of science! Go biology! Except I got burnt out. I didn't want to put the effort into making a goal of becoming a biochemical engineer because honestly, things got less interesting and I wasn't able to motivate myself like before. There were other factors but all in all I had a terrible realization in 2011. If you remember correctly that was the year the Mayan calendar "predicted" the end of the world in December. Even though we all knew it wasn't going to end, part of me wondered that if my life had ended would I have been proud of what I had done? Would I have been happy? And the overwhelming answer was no, no I would not be. Even though I might be proud of some things and I had learned a lot of awesome things I was pretty useless as an adult. No matter what they may say, college did nothing to educate me about life. Those lessons weren't taught. I found myself panicking over things like learning how to drive (yeah, still have to do that), figuring out what the hell a bar tab is or things like rent and how to get an apartment. What stood out most though was this: I've been going to school most of my conscious life - I haven't done anything else.
I want to do things! I want to be crazy and live it up and educate myself along the way. I thought that changing my major to a long time passion of mine, drawing, would help but heck, why do I need to pay out the ass for it? I can teach myself, and work a minimal job to keep up with the rent. There's so much more, so much more I want to do.
05 March 2014
At the Bar
Despite getting called into work on my day off yesterday I felt
enthusiastic about doing something. Actually, I was about down for
almost anything that required some form of social interaction that
didn't happen in my apartment. So, lo and behold, when I get a text
from a friend asking if I wanted to hit my favorite little bar in town
there was no way I was going to refuse.
I dolled myself up again for the second time - because I'm just into getting gussied up going out anyway - put on the outfit I had been wearing before work and my thigh highs and called it good.
Driver is Blue, driver's passenger is Cripple (he broke his leg recently and I just like making mean and insensitive jokes). On the way to the bar we are picking up Blondie and meet the GreenLantern. Yay for code names. I've met the GreenLantern many times at Blondie's parties but we're not friends and I'm not too terribly fond of Blondie when it comes to drinking. Oh well. Starting off the night Cripple and I consume a glass of Guinness (which I normally hate) and I take a good deal of time wondering why I am here with this particular crew. Oh well, GreenLantern saves us some guesswork and we start playing Black Jack. During this game I've learned Blue and Cripple have never had an Irish Car Bomb. That's unforgivable. With what little I can spare I order three for us and this somehow starts off a Car Bomb fetish around the bar. Now the stage is set after Blondie orders a car bomb with GreenLantern and has only consumed a fourth, if that, of her Woodchuck. The car bomb is more than enough to get her drunk.
Two things of real interest (for me anyway) happened:
1) Blondie can't really handle her liquor. That's fine in my opinion considering she doesn't like the taste of alcohol so all her drinks are pretty much whatever the nonalcoholic mixer is. But she drinks regardless and can be sometimes really annoying. Yesterday was National Pancake Day and earlier she had wanted to go out to a local restaurant that was 24 hours and get some pancakes. I'm more partial to waffles and more importantly, broke, and everyone else had turned down her little adventure. Once she's figured out that she's not getting pancakes she starts pouting. Hardcore. Eventually she lays face down across three bar stools and moping about "not drunk" mind you I notice some friends trying to balance some things on her butt. I can do better.
I take the deck of cards and start laying them one by one down her spine and across her butt and give up when they start falling as I am laying them on the back of her thighs. In that moment I spot her water cup. Sucking up some water through the straw, I pulled a finger over and position myself for optimal targeting. After debating for a few seconds I release my tiny waterfall of ice cold delicious agua into her ear. Direct hit! Immediately she voices her displeasure, cursing. Granted it's not the nicest thing to do but I've been enabled by the fact that she was pouting in my favorite bar and being obnoxious. So how does she get back at me? Weakly she wiggles herself from the stools, and falls on me - this is made even more obvious by the way she's holding onto me and feeling me up. Limply she lifts her leg and knees me in the ass. "There!" she says. It didn't really hurt but dear lord, it was kind of funny to watch her try and get back at me. If you ask me, revenge exacted.
2) Some guy comes in, a stand-up comedian I've never heard of. Whatever. He's pretty drunk and I'm pretty friendly. I put my arm around his shoulder and enlist his help making fun of Blondie, teasingly. We're not being mean by any means, we're just joking when he makes some statement and sort of feels up my crotch. Awkward. I brush it off because he's drunk and he's not in the mood to make good decision anyway. Finally when we decide it's finally time to go he make a motion to me to kiss him on the cheek. In my head I'm not terribly concerned and it's always been a sign of friendship and good meaning so I lean in to kiss him on the cheek.
Now, I've heard fortune favors the bold. This was not one of those times. As soon as I lean in to kiss his cheek he turns his face and grabs my face and does his best to force me to kiss him. Hell no. That's not happening. Sure I'm an idiot, and extremely naive but don't lure me in like that. Dodging his kiss I bid him goodnight and walk out the door followed by his statement, "Aw, see, we could have had an even better time". To be honest, I'm not sure how many people are fond of this kind of physical interaction with people they just met.
This probably freaked me out more than I'd like to admit. Mostly because if I pull away, very obviously pull away, don't try to force it two or three more times. And well that's never happened to me.
Case in point, be mindful of the drunk people.
I dolled myself up again for the second time - because I'm just into getting gussied up going out anyway - put on the outfit I had been wearing before work and my thigh highs and called it good.
Driver is Blue, driver's passenger is Cripple (he broke his leg recently and I just like making mean and insensitive jokes). On the way to the bar we are picking up Blondie and meet the GreenLantern. Yay for code names. I've met the GreenLantern many times at Blondie's parties but we're not friends and I'm not too terribly fond of Blondie when it comes to drinking. Oh well. Starting off the night Cripple and I consume a glass of Guinness (which I normally hate) and I take a good deal of time wondering why I am here with this particular crew. Oh well, GreenLantern saves us some guesswork and we start playing Black Jack. During this game I've learned Blue and Cripple have never had an Irish Car Bomb. That's unforgivable. With what little I can spare I order three for us and this somehow starts off a Car Bomb fetish around the bar. Now the stage is set after Blondie orders a car bomb with GreenLantern and has only consumed a fourth, if that, of her Woodchuck. The car bomb is more than enough to get her drunk.
Two things of real interest (for me anyway) happened:
1) Blondie can't really handle her liquor. That's fine in my opinion considering she doesn't like the taste of alcohol so all her drinks are pretty much whatever the nonalcoholic mixer is. But she drinks regardless and can be sometimes really annoying. Yesterday was National Pancake Day and earlier she had wanted to go out to a local restaurant that was 24 hours and get some pancakes. I'm more partial to waffles and more importantly, broke, and everyone else had turned down her little adventure. Once she's figured out that she's not getting pancakes she starts pouting. Hardcore. Eventually she lays face down across three bar stools and moping about "not drunk" mind you I notice some friends trying to balance some things on her butt. I can do better.
I take the deck of cards and start laying them one by one down her spine and across her butt and give up when they start falling as I am laying them on the back of her thighs. In that moment I spot her water cup. Sucking up some water through the straw, I pulled a finger over and position myself for optimal targeting. After debating for a few seconds I release my tiny waterfall of ice cold delicious agua into her ear. Direct hit! Immediately she voices her displeasure, cursing. Granted it's not the nicest thing to do but I've been enabled by the fact that she was pouting in my favorite bar and being obnoxious. So how does she get back at me? Weakly she wiggles herself from the stools, and falls on me - this is made even more obvious by the way she's holding onto me and feeling me up. Limply she lifts her leg and knees me in the ass. "There!" she says. It didn't really hurt but dear lord, it was kind of funny to watch her try and get back at me. If you ask me, revenge exacted.
2) Some guy comes in, a stand-up comedian I've never heard of. Whatever. He's pretty drunk and I'm pretty friendly. I put my arm around his shoulder and enlist his help making fun of Blondie, teasingly. We're not being mean by any means, we're just joking when he makes some statement and sort of feels up my crotch. Awkward. I brush it off because he's drunk and he's not in the mood to make good decision anyway. Finally when we decide it's finally time to go he make a motion to me to kiss him on the cheek. In my head I'm not terribly concerned and it's always been a sign of friendship and good meaning so I lean in to kiss him on the cheek.
Now, I've heard fortune favors the bold. This was not one of those times. As soon as I lean in to kiss his cheek he turns his face and grabs my face and does his best to force me to kiss him. Hell no. That's not happening. Sure I'm an idiot, and extremely naive but don't lure me in like that. Dodging his kiss I bid him goodnight and walk out the door followed by his statement, "Aw, see, we could have had an even better time". To be honest, I'm not sure how many people are fond of this kind of physical interaction with people they just met.
This probably freaked me out more than I'd like to admit. Mostly because if I pull away, very obviously pull away, don't try to force it two or three more times. And well that's never happened to me.
Case in point, be mindful of the drunk people.
03 March 2014
Candy Crush Saga Madness
Another victim to the ridiculousness of crushing candy. Before it was only in my dreams - a field of candies waiting to be crunched. But insanity is an ever climbing ivy and has now reached a new height: I see it in my waking hours. How much longer will this keep up before I am reduced to a mangled mess of twitching fingers?
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