This is an exercise my friend had me do to help with a low I've hit. It's simple, list 50 things you are good at or know how to do or have no matter how ridiculous or insignificant they may seem. He helped me get started. Here's my list of things I am good at:
1. I know how to make kalbi
2. I am good at my job.
3. I know how to keep calm.
4. I know how do do fries.
5. I know how to take accurate orders.
6. I am good at packaging things the right way.
7. I am good at cleaning really well.
8. I have a pretty smile.
9. I have pretty eyes.
10. I'm good at my hair.
11. I have good taste in clothes.
12. I'm good at counting.
13. I'm good at being troublesome in a good way.
14. I'm good at writing in cursive.
15. I'm good at remembering my dreams.
16. I'm good at doing my make-up (most days).
17. I'm good at hiding my emotions - p-p-poker face!
18. I'm good at reading.
19. I'm good at imagining things.
20. I'm good at remembering annoying details.
21. I'm good at worshiping Yoshis.
22. I'm good at seeking help.
23. I'm good at improving myself.
24. I'm good at thinking.
25. I'm good at doing the dishes.
26. I know how to fill drinks.
27. I'm good at being nice.
28. I'm good at not giving up.
29. I'm good at hiding.
30. I'm good at being a cat.
31. I'm good at some naughty things.
32. I'm good at keeping the apartment clean.
33. I'm good at being resourceful.
34. I'm good at surviving.
35. I'm good at being strong enough to not hurt myself.
36. I'm good at getting mad.
37. I'm good at eating.
38. I'm good at solving problems.
39. I'm good at finding things.
40. I'm good at seeing stories.
41. I'm good at being attentive.
42. I'm good at being selfish.
43. I'm better at communicating my thoughts and feelings.
44. I'm good at making tea.
45. I'm good at being me.
46. I'm good at loving people.
47. I'm good at decorating.
48. I'm good at describing things.
49. I'm good at reading.
50. I'm good at drawing.
51. I'm good at being alive.
Now that I've come down a little from my freakiness and have come to regret some things that I said to my friend.
You will say some hurtful things some time. I did. I deeply regret them and apologized many times over. You might not think about them because you are hurting, you can't see past yourself at the moment, but my friend is right, "The world doesn't revolve around you," and though that really sucks to hear because you are at such a lowpoint, when you poke your head around that outside of your realm is the reality of everyone else and their own little worlds. Those worlds sometimes collide or intersect and really beautiful or catastrophic things happen. But know that you are responsible for what you put into the world, intentionally or not. These might sound a bit harsh, they really are, but it's something to own up to.
If you excuse me I need to devour some of the pie I made.
14 August 2014
13 August 2014
If Someone Asks for You
If someone says to you, "I really need a friend to talk to, do you have time?" DO NOT, under any circumstance bring another person! This might sound like common sense but let me cement this in a little more: This is code for "You are the only person who I can talk to about this, please help me". It doesn't mean bring someone - even if that other person is on amicable terms. They only want to talk to you because of whatever reason including they feel close to you and feel like they can intimate knowledge of their life to you. This is a deeply personal matter that can't be discussed with anyone else. It's not a stab at someone they just need you.
It is a precious thing to ask of you your time but nonetheless they asked. It's hard to admit you need help and even if you are scared because you are not sure you can handle that or deal with them, it's going to be all right. For the most part a lot of the time, people are happy you are there to listen in general. If you are scared you might not say the right thing just say so. It might suck to hear that if we are asking for advice but it lets us know that you are human too and that you might not have the answers - all we need to know is that you support us.
I'm a little buzzed. But you know, I really needed a friend tonight. And I was sad because the friend I could talk to brought someone else. I didn't get to talk about the things I needed to talk about.
It is a precious thing to ask of you your time but nonetheless they asked. It's hard to admit you need help and even if you are scared because you are not sure you can handle that or deal with them, it's going to be all right. For the most part a lot of the time, people are happy you are there to listen in general. If you are scared you might not say the right thing just say so. It might suck to hear that if we are asking for advice but it lets us know that you are human too and that you might not have the answers - all we need to know is that you support us.
I'm a little buzzed. But you know, I really needed a friend tonight. And I was sad because the friend I could talk to brought someone else. I didn't get to talk about the things I needed to talk about.
11 August 2014
Today is Monday
Arrived, after receiving a ride from a coworker, a supervisor. Apartment smells awful, like carcasses rotting. Instantly run to the trashcan, the trashcan that was almost full before I left for work, before my roommate left for work. Why had not my roommate thought to take the trash? Odd. Peculiar. He's not very good at being a housemate though he's a wonderful friend.
Pass the kitty taking out the garbage and find the mail. Nothing for me.
Prepped some bananas for some vegan ice cream. Whipped some coconut oil for body butter and placed in the fridge to stay firm. Ran enough through hair to saturate - should combat some of the damage. Ideas of bleaching hair tomorrow return.
Thirsty. Terribly thirsty. Water tastes so good on the back of my throat. Hugh Laurie on the tele kidnapping puppies.
Pass the kitty taking out the garbage and find the mail. Nothing for me.
Prepped some bananas for some vegan ice cream. Whipped some coconut oil for body butter and placed in the fridge to stay firm. Ran enough through hair to saturate - should combat some of the damage. Ideas of bleaching hair tomorrow return.
Thirsty. Terribly thirsty. Water tastes so good on the back of my throat. Hugh Laurie on the tele kidnapping puppies.
10 August 2014
Black to Almost White
Not two days ago a man who came through the drive-thru occasionally appeared. "Oh, you've changed your hair! You lightened it," he said with a smile on his face.
"Oh, yes. I was tired of having black hair."
"I like it. It looks good on you."
"Some of my friends would disagree with you there."
"Well, it's your hair." Again, another smile. So very completely he had managed to capture the insecurities I had had and wash them away. Yet he was no more than a stranger with whom I professionally participated in ritual with, I was happy. That compliment and fire he gave me calmed my nerves.
It is still taking some getting used to. Many years ago I told myself I would have white hair. In my mind it was the coolest thing ever. I'm still working on it - currently my hair is on a break and has been for about two weeks. When I went to the salon my hairdresser told me it was really damaged and to wait on bleaching it again for at least a month. We will see...
"Oh, yes. I was tired of having black hair."
"I like it. It looks good on you."
"Some of my friends would disagree with you there."
"Well, it's your hair." Again, another smile. So very completely he had managed to capture the insecurities I had had and wash them away. Yet he was no more than a stranger with whom I professionally participated in ritual with, I was happy. That compliment and fire he gave me calmed my nerves.
It is still taking some getting used to. Many years ago I told myself I would have white hair. In my mind it was the coolest thing ever. I'm still working on it - currently my hair is on a break and has been for about two weeks. When I went to the salon my hairdresser told me it was really damaged and to wait on bleaching it again for at least a month. We will see...
06 August 2014
BumbleBees
Today as I walked to the salon for my haircut at 10 in the morning (to my earlier displeasure and later gratitude) I noticed many of the busy bumblebees clumsily flying about pollinating the flowers: I smiled. Endearing little balls of fuzz that I am extremely grateful for (very unlikely to sting) giving me all sorts of varieties when it comes to plant life. If I could capture that cryptic moment of elation I'd translate it here so I could experience it again and again.
Seeing them reminded me of warm sunny days with a gentle breeze none too cold nor a touch too hot. Everything was so naturally calm and despite the massive encumbering clouds overhead the sun shone brightly still. Waiting. In that waiting there is a faint docile buzzing emanating from a nearby pot of flowers as big as a child's fist and as purple as synthetic lavender-scented lotion. Fat, bumbling bees (enough to make me smile at the mere sight of them) inducing giggle-tinged smiles. How could you not be enchanted? I stopped for a moment to enjoy them as they were - insects. If I could place a human emotion on that moment, I would call it sun-soaked serenity.
That's how I see it.
There is a lot to appreciate about the world in it's state of being. It is always changing, it is dynamic and full of energy. Tap into it.
We release so much negativity into the world we need to step back sometimes and look again. Oftentimes my friend makes mention of how messed up everyone is and what a terrible place this is to raise a child. I never know the words to say to counter him - I don't believe that. There are so many good things surrounding us. I know it exists because I can feel it. I wish I knew how to translate that feeling into something more people can understand.
It is like... the cool side of a pillow or crisp, cool sheets on after a hot summer day. It is like moments that make your heart sigh and realize you enjoy living because there is so much to experience. Experience captures something - it's an intangible concept that we generate. All those moments that make your heart swell like listening to the perfect song at the perfect moment or hearing a dear friend's voice after missing them - blessings to the soul. It's harmony.
When I am down I oftentimes take many things for granted: I am able to pay rent and afford my bills; I have food; I have my senses to absorb the world around me. I have friends who love me and who I love. Even when reminded they don't feel like enough to deaden the numbness inside (for when I am feeling depressed I am numb). But they are important: they're like a rainstorm after struggling through an arid desert.
Bumblebees trigger a visual concept inside me that releases happiness. They're associated with simpleness, casual movements, a child-like gaiety, and above-all appreciation. I can't remember how these associations were made but if I want to feel them again, I watch them work. Almost like getting visually drunk with positive emotions.
Seeing them reminded me of warm sunny days with a gentle breeze none too cold nor a touch too hot. Everything was so naturally calm and despite the massive encumbering clouds overhead the sun shone brightly still. Waiting. In that waiting there is a faint docile buzzing emanating from a nearby pot of flowers as big as a child's fist and as purple as synthetic lavender-scented lotion. Fat, bumbling bees (enough to make me smile at the mere sight of them) inducing giggle-tinged smiles. How could you not be enchanted? I stopped for a moment to enjoy them as they were - insects. If I could place a human emotion on that moment, I would call it sun-soaked serenity.
That's how I see it.
There is a lot to appreciate about the world in it's state of being. It is always changing, it is dynamic and full of energy. Tap into it.
We release so much negativity into the world we need to step back sometimes and look again. Oftentimes my friend makes mention of how messed up everyone is and what a terrible place this is to raise a child. I never know the words to say to counter him - I don't believe that. There are so many good things surrounding us. I know it exists because I can feel it. I wish I knew how to translate that feeling into something more people can understand.
It is like... the cool side of a pillow or crisp, cool sheets on after a hot summer day. It is like moments that make your heart sigh and realize you enjoy living because there is so much to experience. Experience captures something - it's an intangible concept that we generate. All those moments that make your heart swell like listening to the perfect song at the perfect moment or hearing a dear friend's voice after missing them - blessings to the soul. It's harmony.
When I am down I oftentimes take many things for granted: I am able to pay rent and afford my bills; I have food; I have my senses to absorb the world around me. I have friends who love me and who I love. Even when reminded they don't feel like enough to deaden the numbness inside (for when I am feeling depressed I am numb). But they are important: they're like a rainstorm after struggling through an arid desert.
Bumblebees trigger a visual concept inside me that releases happiness. They're associated with simpleness, casual movements, a child-like gaiety, and above-all appreciation. I can't remember how these associations were made but if I want to feel them again, I watch them work. Almost like getting visually drunk with positive emotions.
04 August 2014
Furry Bombs
Today as I crept back to my apartment from work I ran into a fluffy kitty. She must live around here! For she appears every now and then. She is terribly soft and fought me for all of my attention.
Finally I tasted my apple pie. I used a recipe from runnyrunny999 and was delightfully surprised at how easy it was. The pie dough I made was a bit on the small side - enough to fill a small casserole dish. I do mean small. But it's adorable and rustic looking. Pleased - I ate half.
Now I am off to pay rent. Because it's that time. Accursed rent time.
Finally I tasted my apple pie. I used a recipe from runnyrunny999 and was delightfully surprised at how easy it was. The pie dough I made was a bit on the small side - enough to fill a small casserole dish. I do mean small. But it's adorable and rustic looking. Pleased - I ate half.
Now I am off to pay rent. Because it's that time. Accursed rent time.
17 June 2014
Yoshi's Woolly World
Ever since my roommate pulled up the conferences (and Nintendo's Digital Event) from E3 I've pretty much watched this trailer at least once every day. My adoration knows no bounds!
It's been a long time since I have been genuinely excited about a game: and it is a Yoshi game nonetheless (good tones, good tones!). Admittedly I would have bought the Wii U solely for this game (irregardless of how it plays) just to add it to my collection. After seeing the trailer I am much more enthused - it looks like so much fun! And since there is no time limit I can explore every little detail of the level: and there's so much detail to look at. The stitching on the various objects in game, include little Yoshi is unbelievable! You can even see little fuzz coming off of them if you look close enough (like real yarn)! The sounds are adorable, the music is as it should be for a Yoshi game and it has a co-op mode to boot.
Soon, I will have this little game. Soon, very soon it shall be mine!
30 April 2014
Katherine
On the XBox 360 and PS3, a really quite fun puzzle game. But a demented one at that. I beat it quite some time ago but considering there are many different endings based on the answers you give to the questions, how you text your girl Katherine back and how you interact with other people there's so much more to see!
The game starts off with Vincent (you) sporting heart-shaped boxers clutching tightly to a pillow and... the horns of a ram? Anyways a voice guides you telling you how to climb and you get to play through a mini-map, a little tutorial.
As the game progresses you learn that Vincent may or may not have some issues committing to his long-term girlfriend. And that a nice little temptation may very well make or break his bonds. Otherwise it's all up to you.
I am the kind of person who enjoys a puzzle game. At the same time I don't know how many tries it took for me to reach the ringing bell signifying the end of the level. Regardless, you wouldn't think that climbing up a tower of blocks to be so difficult in and of itself. Even the time restraints on the lower levels crumbling away there is ample amounts of time to complete the level on Easy difficulty (or Normal - I can't remember what I was playing on).
A strangely fun thing is the multiplayer mode which pits you and one player against each other and the maps. I don't know how many times I have challenged friends on this simple concept: either reach the top first or doom your opponent.
If you have the chance and you like puzzles, give it a shot. Someone you know might have a copy or you can rent it out.
The game starts off with Vincent (you) sporting heart-shaped boxers clutching tightly to a pillow and... the horns of a ram? Anyways a voice guides you telling you how to climb and you get to play through a mini-map, a little tutorial.
As the game progresses you learn that Vincent may or may not have some issues committing to his long-term girlfriend. And that a nice little temptation may very well make or break his bonds. Otherwise it's all up to you.
I am the kind of person who enjoys a puzzle game. At the same time I don't know how many tries it took for me to reach the ringing bell signifying the end of the level. Regardless, you wouldn't think that climbing up a tower of blocks to be so difficult in and of itself. Even the time restraints on the lower levels crumbling away there is ample amounts of time to complete the level on Easy difficulty (or Normal - I can't remember what I was playing on).
A strangely fun thing is the multiplayer mode which pits you and one player against each other and the maps. I don't know how many times I have challenged friends on this simple concept: either reach the top first or doom your opponent.
If you have the chance and you like puzzles, give it a shot. Someone you know might have a copy or you can rent it out.
26 April 2014
Keeping Positive
Some days are really hard to keep positive. Actually I have quite a few days like that. It doesn't help that I am a super sensitive person - like, I'm really sensitive. So right now I am going to write about a few things that cheer me up a little bit.
24 April 2014
18 April 2014
At This Age
It's strange to see so many people hyping about getting married and getting pregnant. I'm more than single right now - I'm pretty far removed from the dating world in general.
Last night I had a talk with two friends - one of whom was drunk and was in his special "psychoanalyzing" mood. Since I was the only one of the group who hadn't had the pleasure it was my turn to be on the couch. It wasn't that bad but we were also super tired. I'm not sure if I want to date. Dating is really hard and relationships take a lot of work to cultivate. Dear Lord I think I am starting to get a little lazy in my social and intimate life.
Recently I met a nice guy and had coffee - which went great. I would have liked more conversation from him but he enjoyed himself. Sadly, as I excited as I was to meet some one else who I found attractive the dust sort of settled. Now, he's not a bad guy. There are people you come across (in my opinion) that you just know things about. And how I feel is we would be great friends but I am not looking to have anything more than that with him. At the same time some feelings I had for another guy somehow resurfaced (because I was looking to take myself off the available radar) and it wouldn't be fair to continue on in a romantic sense.
I considered two things about myself: 1) my intuition is pretty awesome and 2) I am pansexual. With that comes a month long waiting period to see how I actually feel about someone - I'm super sensitive and live on an island away to protect myself from potential emotional danger. So a month. My friends keep telling me to get laid (aren't they funny?) but I want an emotional ground to stand on. That, I am absolute about.
Somehow my peers are living out the dreams I want. A) get married and B) have kids. I envy them and sometimes wonder how I let myself run away from those dreams. Besides holding out for people I probably can't date or wouldn't work out anyway, why do I do that to myself?
A while ago I may have decided to be a lonely loner. Silly me.
Last night I had a talk with two friends - one of whom was drunk and was in his special "psychoanalyzing" mood. Since I was the only one of the group who hadn't had the pleasure it was my turn to be on the couch. It wasn't that bad but we were also super tired. I'm not sure if I want to date. Dating is really hard and relationships take a lot of work to cultivate. Dear Lord I think I am starting to get a little lazy in my social and intimate life.
Recently I met a nice guy and had coffee - which went great. I would have liked more conversation from him but he enjoyed himself. Sadly, as I excited as I was to meet some one else who I found attractive the dust sort of settled. Now, he's not a bad guy. There are people you come across (in my opinion) that you just know things about. And how I feel is we would be great friends but I am not looking to have anything more than that with him. At the same time some feelings I had for another guy somehow resurfaced (because I was looking to take myself off the available radar) and it wouldn't be fair to continue on in a romantic sense.
I considered two things about myself: 1) my intuition is pretty awesome and 2) I am pansexual. With that comes a month long waiting period to see how I actually feel about someone - I'm super sensitive and live on an island away to protect myself from potential emotional danger. So a month. My friends keep telling me to get laid (aren't they funny?) but I want an emotional ground to stand on. That, I am absolute about.
Somehow my peers are living out the dreams I want. A) get married and B) have kids. I envy them and sometimes wonder how I let myself run away from those dreams. Besides holding out for people I probably can't date or wouldn't work out anyway, why do I do that to myself?
A while ago I may have decided to be a lonely loner. Silly me.
04 April 2014
Borrowing
I can't find my journal and I need it now more than ever. This will have to do...
10:17 He's playing Dark Souls II and has been for the past (almost) hour to my recollection. The point is I am in the newly arranged living room (which I like) and my dream is still on my mind. Truly, the reason is I have refused a dream - that is unlike me, so unlike me. I like to keep them coming as much as possible to scrape together the plots. Somehow though, I was wholly afraid and whimpered, "No..."
It is an old dream but now the characters I once didn't care about have meaning to me. They have stories now because they are now the stories of my friends and my family, here, dear to me in respect. How? I haven't had this dream since I was in high school at the most recent but I remember it's origins from a much younger time.
I was wearing my glasses (which is the first recalled time) and things were not as bright and clear as possible. It was my birthday and a flop at that - I was so dead and so... not quite happy. But I saw my stepmothers, they were trying to fix the toilet. I'm not sure why bathrooms are always so strange or not working my dreams (evil coincidences that I rather not get into right meow). I saw Craig with a girl (jealous, just a touch) and my moms. Those were the main characters I cared about. Now, there's a hard break that's... difficult to explain. My dream separates into two corrupt and strange paths but they are on and the same.
Because it is now the day after my birthday in this strange house, my friends are packing up to leave. My mother politely suggests (and by politely, she tells me to do it) that I go out and eat with them. But I can't feel hungry (odd again). I have no real desire to eat except noodles once the coupons have been passed out. My friends are already leaving before I make up my mind and I run to catch up with them passing two children, one standing in front of a glass of round bouncy balls.
Around this event is when the break occurs: I'm suddenly whisked away to a village, dying with no sense of pain or reason and laid out on my stomach. I can't see, I can't feel until a stranger comes to lie on me and whispers something. Despite asking what it was he said, I don't remember it - I only remember I know immediately the source of the voice and I am shaken with joy. But it soon fades when it's replaced by another who's come, to literally do something I'm not too keen on explaining. Not inside though, never inside and soon when I finally lift my head I spot several silver hairs on my robe. It was him, it was him, I'll never see him again! Panicking I push off my assailant, even if by ritual and adherence to custom, wrap the strands around my hand and run. Unsure of where, but knowing I need to be I just blindly run in all directions. Jerk catches on and chases me, trying to steal away the hairs, the only things I have left of him. It broke my heart to think I might lose them. Suddenly, I spun on my heel and punched him as many times as my arms could allow (here). So tired.
Then the dream continues where I am with my friends again. I cannot see all their faces, just that he is there. It's like a maddening infection - I hate it. I sometimes wish I could strangle out parts of my emotions so that they would choke and die. What need.
The internet brought a strange part in - a game much like one I'll look up later so as not to further distract me. Units. I didn't have the unit I wanted. The silver haired one because it reminded me of him. I've spoken of multiple hims now. Suddenly a cut to FFVII where Craig has hacked it with mods to do silly things like change the size of Cloud (thank you random Thor-Loki comic). Not too terribly important except I saw him sitting there playing games much like he does in his desk chair. Not that... I've ever seen him like that. Don't recall, unimportant.
On the edge of a departed world we set foot outside. What was once a destination to a charming location, a beautifully edged forest had now become voluminous water. I can't remember where the sky began or the ocean ended for the buildings we stood on and in the distance there wasn't any ground. This scene is the scene I am not most afraid of. Somehow I looked at all the people surrounding me and I feel... sad. For once. I know what's coming next.
I have to die. It's time to leave because I know that I'm needed elsewhere and for the first time I am scared to, sad to. It hurts so much because even though this is a skyscraper (what else could it have been) I always turn to say something but this time, it comes out differently. Let's dig.
"Will... we always be friends?" It's something like that I feel in my heart.
His answer is lost on me. I'm not sure because it is something that is... not decided yet.
Jumping would be death to me. I'm going to die and there's nothing I can do other than not to jump. And yet, I would be letting down so many people if I did or didn't. Have you ever felt so young? Not quite grown? Death was like a barrier into me becoming an adult. But not quite - it was more important than that because it was also the barrier into me seeing him again. I've never been held back by something so strongly.
Those feelings are hard to accept, the fact that they came to haunt me. Somehow, why did it feel like dying... I would become something not quite me but completely and wholly me? Why was that scary? Because it's change, it's different, it's admittance that things can be better and take me to new heights (or lows, bad joke?).
Committing suicide as it appears in my dream is really suicide - it's akin to drawing the Death card in Tarot for the most part. Somehow, dying, would allow me to mature into a wonderful adult.
That's the decision I think I face now. But why is there fear? And why do I fear it.
10:17 He's playing Dark Souls II and has been for the past (almost) hour to my recollection. The point is I am in the newly arranged living room (which I like) and my dream is still on my mind. Truly, the reason is I have refused a dream - that is unlike me, so unlike me. I like to keep them coming as much as possible to scrape together the plots. Somehow though, I was wholly afraid and whimpered, "No..."
It is an old dream but now the characters I once didn't care about have meaning to me. They have stories now because they are now the stories of my friends and my family, here, dear to me in respect. How? I haven't had this dream since I was in high school at the most recent but I remember it's origins from a much younger time.
I was wearing my glasses (which is the first recalled time) and things were not as bright and clear as possible. It was my birthday and a flop at that - I was so dead and so... not quite happy. But I saw my stepmothers, they were trying to fix the toilet. I'm not sure why bathrooms are always so strange or not working my dreams (evil coincidences that I rather not get into right meow). I saw Craig with a girl (jealous, just a touch) and my moms. Those were the main characters I cared about. Now, there's a hard break that's... difficult to explain. My dream separates into two corrupt and strange paths but they are on and the same.
Because it is now the day after my birthday in this strange house, my friends are packing up to leave. My mother politely suggests (and by politely, she tells me to do it) that I go out and eat with them. But I can't feel hungry (odd again). I have no real desire to eat except noodles once the coupons have been passed out. My friends are already leaving before I make up my mind and I run to catch up with them passing two children, one standing in front of a glass of round bouncy balls.
Around this event is when the break occurs: I'm suddenly whisked away to a village, dying with no sense of pain or reason and laid out on my stomach. I can't see, I can't feel until a stranger comes to lie on me and whispers something. Despite asking what it was he said, I don't remember it - I only remember I know immediately the source of the voice and I am shaken with joy. But it soon fades when it's replaced by another who's come, to literally do something I'm not too keen on explaining. Not inside though, never inside and soon when I finally lift my head I spot several silver hairs on my robe. It was him, it was him, I'll never see him again! Panicking I push off my assailant, even if by ritual and adherence to custom, wrap the strands around my hand and run. Unsure of where, but knowing I need to be I just blindly run in all directions. Jerk catches on and chases me, trying to steal away the hairs, the only things I have left of him. It broke my heart to think I might lose them. Suddenly, I spun on my heel and punched him as many times as my arms could allow (here). So tired.
Then the dream continues where I am with my friends again. I cannot see all their faces, just that he is there. It's like a maddening infection - I hate it. I sometimes wish I could strangle out parts of my emotions so that they would choke and die. What need.
The internet brought a strange part in - a game much like one I'll look up later so as not to further distract me. Units. I didn't have the unit I wanted. The silver haired one because it reminded me of him. I've spoken of multiple hims now. Suddenly a cut to FFVII where Craig has hacked it with mods to do silly things like change the size of Cloud (thank you random Thor-Loki comic). Not too terribly important except I saw him sitting there playing games much like he does in his desk chair. Not that... I've ever seen him like that. Don't recall, unimportant.
On the edge of a departed world we set foot outside. What was once a destination to a charming location, a beautifully edged forest had now become voluminous water. I can't remember where the sky began or the ocean ended for the buildings we stood on and in the distance there wasn't any ground. This scene is the scene I am not most afraid of. Somehow I looked at all the people surrounding me and I feel... sad. For once. I know what's coming next.
I have to die. It's time to leave because I know that I'm needed elsewhere and for the first time I am scared to, sad to. It hurts so much because even though this is a skyscraper (what else could it have been) I always turn to say something but this time, it comes out differently. Let's dig.
"Will... we always be friends?" It's something like that I feel in my heart.
His answer is lost on me. I'm not sure because it is something that is... not decided yet.
Jumping would be death to me. I'm going to die and there's nothing I can do other than not to jump. And yet, I would be letting down so many people if I did or didn't. Have you ever felt so young? Not quite grown? Death was like a barrier into me becoming an adult. But not quite - it was more important than that because it was also the barrier into me seeing him again. I've never been held back by something so strongly.
Those feelings are hard to accept, the fact that they came to haunt me. Somehow, why did it feel like dying... I would become something not quite me but completely and wholly me? Why was that scary? Because it's change, it's different, it's admittance that things can be better and take me to new heights (or lows, bad joke?).
Committing suicide as it appears in my dream is really suicide - it's akin to drawing the Death card in Tarot for the most part. Somehow, dying, would allow me to mature into a wonderful adult.
That's the decision I think I face now. But why is there fear? And why do I fear it.
03 April 2014
Perspective Couplets
How perfect would it be?
If it were only me?
I'm no poetic genius, but this came to me on the spot and was quite fun to think about. So let's think a little more out loud:
Originally conceived as I was rearranging the shelf in my bathroom. Yesterday I cleaned it and it just shone with an awesome radiance of cleanliness. And I thought man, what would it be like to live by myself? Not that I am unhappy living with my roommate.
But another thought that came to mind was to think more romantically? Or I suppose it depends on the thought behind the romance? Like what can bring a yearning to dream of being the person that someone thinks of? Or maybe we can become more cynical and pretend it is a person wishing to be the number one, the best of the best. Then I can see a poor figure on the balcony looking up to skies with discontent on his face and a sneer on his lips with a dreadful wish to be all that came to be.
That went a little grandiose there. What comes to your mind?
One of the reasons I enjoy short and ambiguous poetry is because all reading is reinforced and bred into being with your history, your stories. So the poem's meaning can change.
Extra bonus: the lines have the same number of syllables.
02 April 2014
Accountability
This is more for me than anyone out there but a point: accountability. One of my greatest weaknesses when it comes to most anything is discipline and focus. Oftentimes I lose motivation and drive to accomplish some of the goals I set for myself. So here's some public accountability for me - I hope.
Some of my measurements taken to the best of my ability - ouch some of these numbers hurt. I will come back and edit the weight later after I try it for a week to get a sense of where I'm at. Otherwise, I've eaten - because I'm trying to eat breakfast more frequently.
Age: 21
Height: 5'5''
Weight: --
Neck: 15 inch.
Shoulder: 45 inch
Bust: 39 inch
Bbust: 35 inchj
Waist: 34 1/2
Hips: 45 1/2
Stomach: 39 1/2
Thigh: 26 1/2
Yay for rough measurements. I'm tracking my intake of the foods through MyFitnessPal which is a nifty little app you can access and log in your food and exercise. It's pretty popular.
Some of my measurements taken to the best of my ability - ouch some of these numbers hurt. I will come back and edit the weight later after I try it for a week to get a sense of where I'm at. Otherwise, I've eaten - because I'm trying to eat breakfast more frequently.
Age: 21
Height: 5'5''
Weight: --
Neck: 15 inch.
Shoulder: 45 inch
Bust: 39 inch
Bbust: 35 inchj
Waist: 34 1/2
Hips: 45 1/2
Stomach: 39 1/2
Thigh: 26 1/2
Yay for rough measurements. I'm tracking my intake of the foods through MyFitnessPal which is a nifty little app you can access and log in your food and exercise. It's pretty popular.
31 March 2014
Dream Journals
When I was younger I kept an obnoxiously dream journal. (Now that I think about it, I have no idea where that notebook is...) Recently after having my extremely vivid dreams I shared some of the stories with my roommate. He said that maybe I should start drawing the things I remember from my dreams.
Do you believe in your dreams? Recently a friend was explaining his beliefs and part of it came to dreams being a way that we connected to ourselves in other dimensions. Or rather, that is how I remember it. I can sympathize. My dreams are mostly important to me (depends on the message) and I think there's some merit to reoccurring themes. A lot of the themes in my childhood, detailed in my journal, were reminiscent of fears.
As a child I had a lot of dreams that my father died for me. Oftentimes it was the same one. He sacrificed so much and many times I woke up crying. Other times I was ashamed because my father caught me doing things - it wasn't important what I was doing it was just the act of getting caught. I was plagued by guilt.
As a young teenager what was once fatherly love turned into abuse and persecution. They grew worse as I aged. He was out to kill me. I was scared of him and that fear lingered in my dreams. I hated that more than anything because for the longest time my dreams were my escape from my life.
At this age I am now, my dreams have become odd, bizarre and at times, mundane. It's hard to see what the theme is. Perhaps I will start recording my dreams again.
Do you believe in your dreams? Recently a friend was explaining his beliefs and part of it came to dreams being a way that we connected to ourselves in other dimensions. Or rather, that is how I remember it. I can sympathize. My dreams are mostly important to me (depends on the message) and I think there's some merit to reoccurring themes. A lot of the themes in my childhood, detailed in my journal, were reminiscent of fears.
As a child I had a lot of dreams that my father died for me. Oftentimes it was the same one. He sacrificed so much and many times I woke up crying. Other times I was ashamed because my father caught me doing things - it wasn't important what I was doing it was just the act of getting caught. I was plagued by guilt.
As a young teenager what was once fatherly love turned into abuse and persecution. They grew worse as I aged. He was out to kill me. I was scared of him and that fear lingered in my dreams. I hated that more than anything because for the longest time my dreams were my escape from my life.
At this age I am now, my dreams have become odd, bizarre and at times, mundane. It's hard to see what the theme is. Perhaps I will start recording my dreams again.
20 March 2014
Know Your Life's Purpose
I really do enjoy TED talks and the insights they can provide. Regardless of how I may feel about the information being presented, it gives me something new to add to my perspective and positively change. On a night while I was splurging on some videos I came across Adam Leipzig's talk on "How to find out your life's purpose in five minutes". Instantly attractive - in light of recent events it struck a chord with me.
I have dropped out of college after two and a half years. My reasons: I felt like I was wasting my time, my major didn't mean much of anything to me, I was depressed all the time, I wanted to do something more meaningful with my life. Now, I think going to college can be a wonderful thing but it is not something that works for me at this point in my life. And so before I spent any more money, I stopped. This frightens me still because of my mother - she is convinced I can't have any life unless I get a college degree. She wants me to make a lot of money, to have a good job and be self-sustaining and although I find that these goals have merit and value college is not the only path. I have friends who are nervous for me. One tells me he has lost some respect for me and the only way I can get it back is by going back to school back into biology. Another tells me that even if I can teach myself art I should still use the resources at a school. I can understand their nervousness for it is a lot like how I can remember my mother's worries - they all feel that I can achieve so much and it looks like I am not doing anything.
So, now that you have that background there's this video I mentioned earlier. About knowing your life's purpose. That really struck a chord with me. And when I took the steps, I realized I want to show people love. Attention.
Who are you? T.....
What do I love to do? Draw and love
Who do I do it for? Myself + family
What do they want and need? Love and affection
How do they change as a result? Happy
To view the video, here it is!
I have dropped out of college after two and a half years. My reasons: I felt like I was wasting my time, my major didn't mean much of anything to me, I was depressed all the time, I wanted to do something more meaningful with my life. Now, I think going to college can be a wonderful thing but it is not something that works for me at this point in my life. And so before I spent any more money, I stopped. This frightens me still because of my mother - she is convinced I can't have any life unless I get a college degree. She wants me to make a lot of money, to have a good job and be self-sustaining and although I find that these goals have merit and value college is not the only path. I have friends who are nervous for me. One tells me he has lost some respect for me and the only way I can get it back is by going back to school back into biology. Another tells me that even if I can teach myself art I should still use the resources at a school. I can understand their nervousness for it is a lot like how I can remember my mother's worries - they all feel that I can achieve so much and it looks like I am not doing anything.
So, now that you have that background there's this video I mentioned earlier. About knowing your life's purpose. That really struck a chord with me. And when I took the steps, I realized I want to show people love. Attention.
Who are you? T.....
What do I love to do? Draw and love
Who do I do it for? Myself + family
What do they want and need? Love and affection
How do they change as a result? Happy
To view the video, here it is!
Fungi
Three nights ago now, I had a peculiar and disturbing dream. Curiosity was born: what were the limits of fungi? A particular semester I had taken a Genetics course (with the supplement co-requisite lab) with a professor who had a background in mycology. This was easily made visible through some of the examples and anecdotes she used in her lectures and I greatly appreciate this. Because I can still remember some of this and it pulls on my creative strings. This came out in my dreams:
Can you imagine a collection of hyphae organized to mimic humans? Sentient life that had a very real and visceral goal? I dreamed that. And quickly before I forget this past dream - fighting, packaging warehouse, goal, unkillable?, thought to be dead, urinal. Anyway, those first two sentences sparked this desire to know more about fungi. As well as the possible development of a little mini comic.
While doing some light research I came across Paul Stamets TED talk which I highly encourage you to watch here. It just gives me a ton of ammo with which to take this prospective comic to. And there's so much more information out there!
Can you imagine a collection of hyphae organized to mimic humans? Sentient life that had a very real and visceral goal? I dreamed that. And quickly before I forget this past dream - fighting, packaging warehouse, goal, unkillable?, thought to be dead, urinal. Anyway, those first two sentences sparked this desire to know more about fungi. As well as the possible development of a little mini comic.
While doing some light research I came across Paul Stamets TED talk which I highly encourage you to watch here. It just gives me a ton of ammo with which to take this prospective comic to. And there's so much more information out there!
18 March 2014
New Yoshi's Island
About 4 days ago the new Yoshi's Island game was released for the Nintendo 3DS. Sadly, I had forgotten about it until the 15th when I checked my Nintendo e-Shop account and found a balance of $50 I didn't know I had and bought the game with maddening glee. Yesterday, I played it and was delighted they were every bit as cute as I remember with all the lovely sounds. However, something was missing...
As part of our preparation for St. Patrick's day festivities my friends and I headed into the nearest city city and walked into a GameStop. I had been fixated on it all day - immediately I ran to the corner of DS and 3DS games wondering if I really needed it. Was it worth it? Vexed, I stared at those lovely game cases. I wanted one. I wanted one really bad. Could I justify buying it in my financial situation? Not really but that didn't stop the want. How could I have a Yoshi game without the game case?
A friend said, "You have a problem". I know I do. This statement doesn't bother me. I know it to be true.
So here's a picture to cheer me up a little. Maybe I'll settle for buying the game poster. Isn't it absolutely adorable?
As part of our preparation for St. Patrick's day festivities my friends and I headed into the nearest city city and walked into a GameStop. I had been fixated on it all day - immediately I ran to the corner of DS and 3DS games wondering if I really needed it. Was it worth it? Vexed, I stared at those lovely game cases. I wanted one. I wanted one really bad. Could I justify buying it in my financial situation? Not really but that didn't stop the want. How could I have a Yoshi game without the game case?
A friend said, "You have a problem". I know I do. This statement doesn't bother me. I know it to be true.
So here's a picture to cheer me up a little. Maybe I'll settle for buying the game poster. Isn't it absolutely adorable?
12 March 2014
Food Stamps or SNAP
Food stamps.
At this point in my life I consider myself terribly broke simply living from paycheck to paycheck. Quite a few people go through this stage, some never get out. Recently I've been making some observations about my spending habits and money flow so I can best determine a practical budget. During that time I realize just how much of my paycheck (after rent and bills) is left to pay for essentials: next to nothing. I suppose if I wanted to save money I could live off of the energy of the universe and dew drops but I'm not anywhere near that level of badassery.
So... food stamps! Honestly, I thought they were for the people who lived in absolute poverty (the ones that can actually get Pell Grants for college) and had never once considered that I might be eligible. I work for minimum wage in my state at $7.25 an hour and get about 20 hours per week (depending on the people at work). Only today, and because my best friend mentioned it, I thought about applying for them to ease up the burden and start paying down my debt (student loans FTW). So I did a little bit of digging and found this lovely "article" that summarizes the process and paperwork necessary to apply for SNAP benefits here. They even include an online tool to estimate your chances of getting access to benefits.
Surprisingly, or not surprisingly, a lot of the stores in my town (including the butcher - woot) accept SNAP benefits. More to come on this later.
At this point in my life I consider myself terribly broke simply living from paycheck to paycheck. Quite a few people go through this stage, some never get out. Recently I've been making some observations about my spending habits and money flow so I can best determine a practical budget. During that time I realize just how much of my paycheck (after rent and bills) is left to pay for essentials: next to nothing. I suppose if I wanted to save money I could live off of the energy of the universe and dew drops but I'm not anywhere near that level of badassery.
So... food stamps! Honestly, I thought they were for the people who lived in absolute poverty (the ones that can actually get Pell Grants for college) and had never once considered that I might be eligible. I work for minimum wage in my state at $7.25 an hour and get about 20 hours per week (depending on the people at work). Only today, and because my best friend mentioned it, I thought about applying for them to ease up the burden and start paying down my debt (student loans FTW). So I did a little bit of digging and found this lovely "article" that summarizes the process and paperwork necessary to apply for SNAP benefits here. They even include an online tool to estimate your chances of getting access to benefits.
Surprisingly, or not surprisingly, a lot of the stores in my town (including the butcher - woot) accept SNAP benefits. More to come on this later.
11 March 2014
Social Hermit
Depression is a bit of a killer on the social scene. It takes the life out of you, makes you quiet on the inside because all the fun and positive things are beaten out by a constant painful droning. But I need it sometimes so I don't feel so... alone in the world.
If I can strike a conversation with someone then I don't have too think so much on my part about myself. The more I can distract myself the less I can try not to feel or focus on. Otherwise, I'm an inert mess. I do nothing with myself.
Sometimes I write, kind of like now.
Sometimes I think about meeting all sorts of wonderful people in the world and then I remember how much some of them actually agitate me (like guy at work who won't stop pestering me to hang out). Curses! It's spring break and all the friends have gone home.
If I can strike a conversation with someone then I don't have too think so much on my part about myself. The more I can distract myself the less I can try not to feel or focus on. Otherwise, I'm an inert mess. I do nothing with myself.
Sometimes I write, kind of like now.
Sometimes I think about meeting all sorts of wonderful people in the world and then I remember how much some of them actually agitate me (like guy at work who won't stop pestering me to hang out). Curses! It's spring break and all the friends have gone home.
06 March 2014
Meal-time Meltdown
Thinking. Today I was thinking about our poor skeleton crew as we were swamped with an endless horde of customers. A handful were understanding (thank you strangers) and the rest were not.
Despite working at a fast-food chain restaurant I actually enjoy it. This is one of the best times I can openly observe people's behaviors. Treatment of workers in this industry is notorious. You hear such wonderful things in general! And this is understandable - customers treat you like shit. As soon as you take a step behind that counter you're not even a person.
Despite working at a fast-food chain restaurant I actually enjoy it. This is one of the best times I can openly observe people's behaviors. Treatment of workers in this industry is notorious. You hear such wonderful things in general! And this is understandable - customers treat you like shit. As soon as you take a step behind that counter you're not even a person.
Going to College
After attending college for two years and a semester I've come to this working conclusion: something about me and college doesn't seem to mix.
Recently I thought the fault lay in the major I picked. As a bushy-tailed freshmen I had decided upon the holy grail of science! Go biology! Except I got burnt out. I didn't want to put the effort into making a goal of becoming a biochemical engineer because honestly, things got less interesting and I wasn't able to motivate myself like before. There were other factors but all in all I had a terrible realization in 2011. If you remember correctly that was the year the Mayan calendar "predicted" the end of the world in December. Even though we all knew it wasn't going to end, part of me wondered that if my life had ended would I have been proud of what I had done? Would I have been happy? And the overwhelming answer was no, no I would not be. Even though I might be proud of some things and I had learned a lot of awesome things I was pretty useless as an adult. No matter what they may say, college did nothing to educate me about life. Those lessons weren't taught. I found myself panicking over things like learning how to drive (yeah, still have to do that), figuring out what the hell a bar tab is or things like rent and how to get an apartment. What stood out most though was this: I've been going to school most of my conscious life - I haven't done anything else.
I want to do things! I want to be crazy and live it up and educate myself along the way. I thought that changing my major to a long time passion of mine, drawing, would help but heck, why do I need to pay out the ass for it? I can teach myself, and work a minimal job to keep up with the rent. There's so much more, so much more I want to do.
Recently I thought the fault lay in the major I picked. As a bushy-tailed freshmen I had decided upon the holy grail of science! Go biology! Except I got burnt out. I didn't want to put the effort into making a goal of becoming a biochemical engineer because honestly, things got less interesting and I wasn't able to motivate myself like before. There were other factors but all in all I had a terrible realization in 2011. If you remember correctly that was the year the Mayan calendar "predicted" the end of the world in December. Even though we all knew it wasn't going to end, part of me wondered that if my life had ended would I have been proud of what I had done? Would I have been happy? And the overwhelming answer was no, no I would not be. Even though I might be proud of some things and I had learned a lot of awesome things I was pretty useless as an adult. No matter what they may say, college did nothing to educate me about life. Those lessons weren't taught. I found myself panicking over things like learning how to drive (yeah, still have to do that), figuring out what the hell a bar tab is or things like rent and how to get an apartment. What stood out most though was this: I've been going to school most of my conscious life - I haven't done anything else.
I want to do things! I want to be crazy and live it up and educate myself along the way. I thought that changing my major to a long time passion of mine, drawing, would help but heck, why do I need to pay out the ass for it? I can teach myself, and work a minimal job to keep up with the rent. There's so much more, so much more I want to do.
05 March 2014
At the Bar
Despite getting called into work on my day off yesterday I felt
enthusiastic about doing something. Actually, I was about down for
almost anything that required some form of social interaction that
didn't happen in my apartment. So, lo and behold, when I get a text
from a friend asking if I wanted to hit my favorite little bar in town
there was no way I was going to refuse.
I dolled myself up again for the second time - because I'm just into getting gussied up going out anyway - put on the outfit I had been wearing before work and my thigh highs and called it good.
Driver is Blue, driver's passenger is Cripple (he broke his leg recently and I just like making mean and insensitive jokes). On the way to the bar we are picking up Blondie and meet the GreenLantern. Yay for code names. I've met the GreenLantern many times at Blondie's parties but we're not friends and I'm not too terribly fond of Blondie when it comes to drinking. Oh well. Starting off the night Cripple and I consume a glass of Guinness (which I normally hate) and I take a good deal of time wondering why I am here with this particular crew. Oh well, GreenLantern saves us some guesswork and we start playing Black Jack. During this game I've learned Blue and Cripple have never had an Irish Car Bomb. That's unforgivable. With what little I can spare I order three for us and this somehow starts off a Car Bomb fetish around the bar. Now the stage is set after Blondie orders a car bomb with GreenLantern and has only consumed a fourth, if that, of her Woodchuck. The car bomb is more than enough to get her drunk.
Two things of real interest (for me anyway) happened:
1) Blondie can't really handle her liquor. That's fine in my opinion considering she doesn't like the taste of alcohol so all her drinks are pretty much whatever the nonalcoholic mixer is. But she drinks regardless and can be sometimes really annoying. Yesterday was National Pancake Day and earlier she had wanted to go out to a local restaurant that was 24 hours and get some pancakes. I'm more partial to waffles and more importantly, broke, and everyone else had turned down her little adventure. Once she's figured out that she's not getting pancakes she starts pouting. Hardcore. Eventually she lays face down across three bar stools and moping about "not drunk" mind you I notice some friends trying to balance some things on her butt. I can do better.
I take the deck of cards and start laying them one by one down her spine and across her butt and give up when they start falling as I am laying them on the back of her thighs. In that moment I spot her water cup. Sucking up some water through the straw, I pulled a finger over and position myself for optimal targeting. After debating for a few seconds I release my tiny waterfall of ice cold delicious agua into her ear. Direct hit! Immediately she voices her displeasure, cursing. Granted it's not the nicest thing to do but I've been enabled by the fact that she was pouting in my favorite bar and being obnoxious. So how does she get back at me? Weakly she wiggles herself from the stools, and falls on me - this is made even more obvious by the way she's holding onto me and feeling me up. Limply she lifts her leg and knees me in the ass. "There!" she says. It didn't really hurt but dear lord, it was kind of funny to watch her try and get back at me. If you ask me, revenge exacted.
2) Some guy comes in, a stand-up comedian I've never heard of. Whatever. He's pretty drunk and I'm pretty friendly. I put my arm around his shoulder and enlist his help making fun of Blondie, teasingly. We're not being mean by any means, we're just joking when he makes some statement and sort of feels up my crotch. Awkward. I brush it off because he's drunk and he's not in the mood to make good decision anyway. Finally when we decide it's finally time to go he make a motion to me to kiss him on the cheek. In my head I'm not terribly concerned and it's always been a sign of friendship and good meaning so I lean in to kiss him on the cheek.
Now, I've heard fortune favors the bold. This was not one of those times. As soon as I lean in to kiss his cheek he turns his face and grabs my face and does his best to force me to kiss him. Hell no. That's not happening. Sure I'm an idiot, and extremely naive but don't lure me in like that. Dodging his kiss I bid him goodnight and walk out the door followed by his statement, "Aw, see, we could have had an even better time". To be honest, I'm not sure how many people are fond of this kind of physical interaction with people they just met.
This probably freaked me out more than I'd like to admit. Mostly because if I pull away, very obviously pull away, don't try to force it two or three more times. And well that's never happened to me.
Case in point, be mindful of the drunk people.
I dolled myself up again for the second time - because I'm just into getting gussied up going out anyway - put on the outfit I had been wearing before work and my thigh highs and called it good.
Driver is Blue, driver's passenger is Cripple (he broke his leg recently and I just like making mean and insensitive jokes). On the way to the bar we are picking up Blondie and meet the GreenLantern. Yay for code names. I've met the GreenLantern many times at Blondie's parties but we're not friends and I'm not too terribly fond of Blondie when it comes to drinking. Oh well. Starting off the night Cripple and I consume a glass of Guinness (which I normally hate) and I take a good deal of time wondering why I am here with this particular crew. Oh well, GreenLantern saves us some guesswork and we start playing Black Jack. During this game I've learned Blue and Cripple have never had an Irish Car Bomb. That's unforgivable. With what little I can spare I order three for us and this somehow starts off a Car Bomb fetish around the bar. Now the stage is set after Blondie orders a car bomb with GreenLantern and has only consumed a fourth, if that, of her Woodchuck. The car bomb is more than enough to get her drunk.
Two things of real interest (for me anyway) happened:
1) Blondie can't really handle her liquor. That's fine in my opinion considering she doesn't like the taste of alcohol so all her drinks are pretty much whatever the nonalcoholic mixer is. But she drinks regardless and can be sometimes really annoying. Yesterday was National Pancake Day and earlier she had wanted to go out to a local restaurant that was 24 hours and get some pancakes. I'm more partial to waffles and more importantly, broke, and everyone else had turned down her little adventure. Once she's figured out that she's not getting pancakes she starts pouting. Hardcore. Eventually she lays face down across three bar stools and moping about "not drunk" mind you I notice some friends trying to balance some things on her butt. I can do better.
I take the deck of cards and start laying them one by one down her spine and across her butt and give up when they start falling as I am laying them on the back of her thighs. In that moment I spot her water cup. Sucking up some water through the straw, I pulled a finger over and position myself for optimal targeting. After debating for a few seconds I release my tiny waterfall of ice cold delicious agua into her ear. Direct hit! Immediately she voices her displeasure, cursing. Granted it's not the nicest thing to do but I've been enabled by the fact that she was pouting in my favorite bar and being obnoxious. So how does she get back at me? Weakly she wiggles herself from the stools, and falls on me - this is made even more obvious by the way she's holding onto me and feeling me up. Limply she lifts her leg and knees me in the ass. "There!" she says. It didn't really hurt but dear lord, it was kind of funny to watch her try and get back at me. If you ask me, revenge exacted.
2) Some guy comes in, a stand-up comedian I've never heard of. Whatever. He's pretty drunk and I'm pretty friendly. I put my arm around his shoulder and enlist his help making fun of Blondie, teasingly. We're not being mean by any means, we're just joking when he makes some statement and sort of feels up my crotch. Awkward. I brush it off because he's drunk and he's not in the mood to make good decision anyway. Finally when we decide it's finally time to go he make a motion to me to kiss him on the cheek. In my head I'm not terribly concerned and it's always been a sign of friendship and good meaning so I lean in to kiss him on the cheek.
Now, I've heard fortune favors the bold. This was not one of those times. As soon as I lean in to kiss his cheek he turns his face and grabs my face and does his best to force me to kiss him. Hell no. That's not happening. Sure I'm an idiot, and extremely naive but don't lure me in like that. Dodging his kiss I bid him goodnight and walk out the door followed by his statement, "Aw, see, we could have had an even better time". To be honest, I'm not sure how many people are fond of this kind of physical interaction with people they just met.
This probably freaked me out more than I'd like to admit. Mostly because if I pull away, very obviously pull away, don't try to force it two or three more times. And well that's never happened to me.
Case in point, be mindful of the drunk people.
03 March 2014
Candy Crush Saga Madness
Another victim to the ridiculousness of crushing candy. Before it was only in my dreams - a field of candies waiting to be crunched. But insanity is an ever climbing ivy and has now reached a new height: I see it in my waking hours. How much longer will this keep up before I am reduced to a mangled mess of twitching fingers?
27 February 2014
Planning Out a Financial Future Part 1
Before I get to bed I'll write myself a little note
Something every young adult had heard but doesn't know:
Get a handle on yourself. I oddly enjoy reading lots of articles on financial advice. They'll unfortunately come up every now and then well, because that's a powerful part of life. And money sort of governs my ability to acquire new games and play them.
Yeah it sucks but down the road, things will balance out again! Number one rule is be realistically positive. Hm. Actually I think I rather just focus on being positive right now.
Something every young adult had heard but doesn't know:
Get a handle on yourself. I oddly enjoy reading lots of articles on financial advice. They'll unfortunately come up every now and then well, because that's a powerful part of life. And money sort of governs my ability to acquire new games and play them.
Yeah it sucks but down the road, things will balance out again! Number one rule is be realistically positive. Hm. Actually I think I rather just focus on being positive right now.
26 February 2014
Mundane
26.02.2014
21:32 The internet sucks in my apartment complex right now. In my unit only I seem to be able to grab it and my roommate is left frustrated. So, naturally, after he posted a complaint on Facebook I had to make my own update: "When the internet works for you but nor your roommate" and tagged him in it. Somehow I seem to be able to stream YouTube videos as well. This is a nice departure because I'm the only one in the living room and the sound of the filter in the lizard/frog tank was driving me up the wall mad.
I've been thinking lately that I hope I get my figure. I ordered one off of ebay quite some time ago but according to the delivery date it came when our mailbox was suspended. At the time my roommate had lost the key for about a month. In an effort to spare their supplies and save the one that I am now sure is completely lost in the mail I contacted the seller who is not concerned until May. Well, I tried, right?
15:32 Yes, we are going back in time! I was visiting with my friend Katherine and had a lovely time playing Mario Kart and Gauntlet. We talked of course and caught up. I'm glad I got to see her and just hang out with her today. I even did my make-up because I just enjoy the process of getting ready. I think my eye make-up turned out a lot better than usual.
Some nice things happened today. I can't decided if I want to play some games or not - I think I am a little played out to be honest. Or at least I am bored with Sleeping Dogs, Vesperia is still on the back burner, Awakening too, Abyss is too boring otherwise. Except for Jade, he's awesome. What other games can I add to the list? Maybe I'll try Dishonored tonight.
21:32 The internet sucks in my apartment complex right now. In my unit only I seem to be able to grab it and my roommate is left frustrated. So, naturally, after he posted a complaint on Facebook I had to make my own update: "When the internet works for you but nor your roommate" and tagged him in it. Somehow I seem to be able to stream YouTube videos as well. This is a nice departure because I'm the only one in the living room and the sound of the filter in the lizard/frog tank was driving me up the wall mad.
I've been thinking lately that I hope I get my figure. I ordered one off of ebay quite some time ago but according to the delivery date it came when our mailbox was suspended. At the time my roommate had lost the key for about a month. In an effort to spare their supplies and save the one that I am now sure is completely lost in the mail I contacted the seller who is not concerned until May. Well, I tried, right?
15:32 Yes, we are going back in time! I was visiting with my friend Katherine and had a lovely time playing Mario Kart and Gauntlet. We talked of course and caught up. I'm glad I got to see her and just hang out with her today. I even did my make-up because I just enjoy the process of getting ready. I think my eye make-up turned out a lot better than usual.
Some nice things happened today. I can't decided if I want to play some games or not - I think I am a little played out to be honest. Or at least I am bored with Sleeping Dogs, Vesperia is still on the back burner, Awakening too, Abyss is too boring otherwise. Except for Jade, he's awesome. What other games can I add to the list? Maybe I'll try Dishonored tonight.
25 February 2014
30 Day Writing Challenge - Final
Prompt: "Day 30 —Write a short entry that ends with the line, 'The silver dust of moonlight settled coldly on the night.'"
Naere collected herself on a nearby tree stump just off the Path. Just on the horizon she could see it - Winter's light softly falling from the sky. "Sebastian, look!" she managed just above a whisper. The downy snowflakes barely made an audible noise as they descended to the ground. "Aren't they beautiful?" Closing her eyes and refocusing her mind just beyond the steady stream of snow her senses touched the edge of Aria, the first in-between town. Taking in a deep breath Naere heard the noises of wood being cut to warm the households and people making lively talk and children laughing.
Sebastian's bark brought Naere back to her immediate surroundings. The autumnal wood with its golden leaves and scents of crisp apple blossoms maturing into fruit greeted her. Sebastian forced his head under her hands and beckoned her onward. "Yes, I suppose it is time, right?" With an encouraging bark he lifted Naere from the stump and onto the Path once more.
When they first entered the town Naere's heart grew weak with excitement. She steadied herself on Sebastian's firm back and he led her through town. The people kept on their business but those that saw her greeted her simply with a warm, "Hello!" or wave. "Sebastian it's so pretty here." Snow had piled onto their cabins' roofs and the icicles that had formed were long and beautiful. Standing tall Naere reached and slapped one down delighting in the noise it made. Like a soft chime. Then another. And another until she had her fun when a smiling old woman approached.
"You must be a Child of Ascension," she said with knowledge. "I've been waiting for you to arrive. Come, I shall show you the Shrine of Winter we house in our town." Naere patted her thigh to gesture Sebastian to follow which he did so eagerly. Licking her hand he trotted along happily. The shrine was simple and small and comfortable. "I am excited to see what your prayers will bring our village." Naere nodded and thanked the old woman for her time. As soon as she scooted out the door Sebastian came in and sniffed around.
"It's cute, isn't it?" A large snowflake had been arrayed, woven together from the flakes that had first full moon of the year. Or so the stories had been told. Upon closer inspection each one was perfectly preserved. "What holds you together?" It looked like ice. Aside from this grand snowflake there were no other decorations to behold. "We should cleanse ourselves before we offer our prayers, right Sebastian?"
Returning when the sun hung low in the sky, Naere thought about what it was that she would pray for. It made her nervous that she hadn't thought of anything solid before hand and she tried to keep what her father had said in mind: "You'll know when the time comes." What a terribly vague statement.
Taking a deep breath Naere cleared her mind and focused gently on the majestic snowflake before her. Releasing her breath she noted the care with which had been handled and thanked Haven she was not here to witness it in person. "Beloved am I who sits upon this frozen floor hallowed by your presence, Great Arbiter of Frost. I offer my name Naere and lay down my soul, mind and body for Resurrection." A soft nipping at her skin awakened her to the presence of a spirit. "I speak my claim as a chosen Child of Ascension: I wish for deliverance from my ignorant mind." She wasn't exactly sure what she meant by that but in her heart she dreamed of adventure and so many thoughts poured from her mind.
When Naere opened her eyes a full moon's breath greeted her. Taking it in herself she felt the cold touch her lungs, not unpleasant. Exhaling she saw white ring surround and pale the village, her breath the silver dust of moonlight settling coldly on the night.
Finally done. I am finally letting this post be public because I'm going crazy trying to rewrite it many many times. DONE. I might keep this for future use though.
Naere collected herself on a nearby tree stump just off the Path. Just on the horizon she could see it - Winter's light softly falling from the sky. "Sebastian, look!" she managed just above a whisper. The downy snowflakes barely made an audible noise as they descended to the ground. "Aren't they beautiful?" Closing her eyes and refocusing her mind just beyond the steady stream of snow her senses touched the edge of Aria, the first in-between town. Taking in a deep breath Naere heard the noises of wood being cut to warm the households and people making lively talk and children laughing.
Sebastian's bark brought Naere back to her immediate surroundings. The autumnal wood with its golden leaves and scents of crisp apple blossoms maturing into fruit greeted her. Sebastian forced his head under her hands and beckoned her onward. "Yes, I suppose it is time, right?" With an encouraging bark he lifted Naere from the stump and onto the Path once more.
When they first entered the town Naere's heart grew weak with excitement. She steadied herself on Sebastian's firm back and he led her through town. The people kept on their business but those that saw her greeted her simply with a warm, "Hello!" or wave. "Sebastian it's so pretty here." Snow had piled onto their cabins' roofs and the icicles that had formed were long and beautiful. Standing tall Naere reached and slapped one down delighting in the noise it made. Like a soft chime. Then another. And another until she had her fun when a smiling old woman approached.
"You must be a Child of Ascension," she said with knowledge. "I've been waiting for you to arrive. Come, I shall show you the Shrine of Winter we house in our town." Naere patted her thigh to gesture Sebastian to follow which he did so eagerly. Licking her hand he trotted along happily. The shrine was simple and small and comfortable. "I am excited to see what your prayers will bring our village." Naere nodded and thanked the old woman for her time. As soon as she scooted out the door Sebastian came in and sniffed around.
"It's cute, isn't it?" A large snowflake had been arrayed, woven together from the flakes that had first full moon of the year. Or so the stories had been told. Upon closer inspection each one was perfectly preserved. "What holds you together?" It looked like ice. Aside from this grand snowflake there were no other decorations to behold. "We should cleanse ourselves before we offer our prayers, right Sebastian?"
Returning when the sun hung low in the sky, Naere thought about what it was that she would pray for. It made her nervous that she hadn't thought of anything solid before hand and she tried to keep what her father had said in mind: "You'll know when the time comes." What a terribly vague statement.
Taking a deep breath Naere cleared her mind and focused gently on the majestic snowflake before her. Releasing her breath she noted the care with which had been handled and thanked Haven she was not here to witness it in person. "Beloved am I who sits upon this frozen floor hallowed by your presence, Great Arbiter of Frost. I offer my name Naere and lay down my soul, mind and body for Resurrection." A soft nipping at her skin awakened her to the presence of a spirit. "I speak my claim as a chosen Child of Ascension: I wish for deliverance from my ignorant mind." She wasn't exactly sure what she meant by that but in her heart she dreamed of adventure and so many thoughts poured from her mind.
When Naere opened her eyes a full moon's breath greeted her. Taking it in herself she felt the cold touch her lungs, not unpleasant. Exhaling she saw white ring surround and pale the village, her breath the silver dust of moonlight settling coldly on the night.
Finally done. I am finally letting this post be public because I'm going crazy trying to rewrite it many many times. DONE. I might keep this for future use though.
Masculine...?
Recently my roommate told me one of our mutual friends said something along the lines of if I "got a sex-change, I would be okay with that" - (which is amazing) - "I think she would fit in better with guys". This sparked some introspection.
Lately I've been exploring my masculine side these past few weeks. Since I've been surrounded by my male friends I've noticed that I really haven't expressed my feminine side. Not much of a desire to. What I believe most unsettles me however is when I pressed the friend who had made the above comment (though not in malice) with "Wait, do you think I'm super masculine for a girl?" Alone it hadn't bothered me as much. When coupled with some of the other comments he had made though (mostly about a list of reasons I'm am and going to be alone) it made think about my behaviors. Truly I should keep in mind he is always much more an ass when he's been on Creatine (yay for the short break we all had).
Despite everything I am attracted to rather masculine and powerful men. Hence being told that I am so masculine made me wonder if part of the reason I am so alone (besides actually choosing to) is that I might intimidate other guys because I emasculate them? My most beloved companion told me something that made me feel better though: "Those are just reasons that that person wouldn't date you. Forget them, you're awesome" and some other lovely things that helped me change back my perspective, make it more positive. It sits in my mind a little still but not as much.
I'm glad to be the person I am. Even if I have my failings in faith in my person.
Lately I've been exploring my masculine side these past few weeks. Since I've been surrounded by my male friends I've noticed that I really haven't expressed my feminine side. Not much of a desire to. What I believe most unsettles me however is when I pressed the friend who had made the above comment (though not in malice) with "Wait, do you think I'm super masculine for a girl?" Alone it hadn't bothered me as much. When coupled with some of the other comments he had made though (mostly about a list of reasons I'm am and going to be alone) it made think about my behaviors. Truly I should keep in mind he is always much more an ass when he's been on Creatine (yay for the short break we all had).
Despite everything I am attracted to rather masculine and powerful men. Hence being told that I am so masculine made me wonder if part of the reason I am so alone (besides actually choosing to) is that I might intimidate other guys because I emasculate them? My most beloved companion told me something that made me feel better though: "Those are just reasons that that person wouldn't date you. Forget them, you're awesome" and some other lovely things that helped me change back my perspective, make it more positive. It sits in my mind a little still but not as much.
I'm glad to be the person I am. Even if I have my failings in faith in my person.
23 February 2014
The Lollipop
When I was young and after a fateful Halloween I dumped my collection bag and found one of the greatest treasures of all - a gummi shaped Yoshi lollipop! Instantly I hid it with childish fever, overjoyed to add yet another gem to my growing collection of love. In my young mind I rationalized that since I so loved Yoshi I couldn't eat it. That would be disrespectful and at the same time I should simply admire it from afar. Or from underneath my pillow where I kept it safely until I went to bed when I would set it beside me. It was the closest thing I had to a plushie.
I wish I could say that I still have that particular lollipop but... after about a week or so (or really some amount of time) my dad had found it and ATE it thinking that I didn't want it. Needless to say I was super heartbroken.
I wish I could say that I still have that particular lollipop but... after about a week or so (or really some amount of time) my dad had found it and ATE it thinking that I didn't want it. Needless to say I was super heartbroken.
19 February 2014
30 Day Writing Challenge - Day Twenty-Nine
Prompt: "Day 29 —You are at a cemetery reading gravestones. Write about one of the people you find."
Thank goodness this is almost over.
Mr. Paul Haight. Strange name to say the least but a sad case nonetheless. His gravestone was simple, nothing fancy like the ones around it and simply read, "Mr. Paul Haight 1983 - 1998". Doing the math he was about fifteen? Ten years from '83 made it '93 which he should have been 10... Then there are... eight minus 3... five years and five plus ten was fifteen. Give or take one year depending on the day he died. Wow. He was fifteen. When I was that age I just discovered friends, good food, how to actually dress like you care and other things. My life was just beginning, a lot of people's lives were, are beginning. And yet he's already gone? My mind wandered - how had he died? The cause hadn't been listed which lead me to think that no one had actually cared how or that it was a terminal illness or some tragic accident.
I wonder if he was an all right guy...
In this case, it would be best not to assume too much about the dead, you know? They've moved on to another life that is hopefully better lest their karma chase them.
Thank goodness this is almost over.
Mr. Paul Haight. Strange name to say the least but a sad case nonetheless. His gravestone was simple, nothing fancy like the ones around it and simply read, "Mr. Paul Haight 1983 - 1998". Doing the math he was about fifteen? Ten years from '83 made it '93 which he should have been 10... Then there are... eight minus 3... five years and five plus ten was fifteen. Give or take one year depending on the day he died. Wow. He was fifteen. When I was that age I just discovered friends, good food, how to actually dress like you care and other things. My life was just beginning, a lot of people's lives were, are beginning. And yet he's already gone? My mind wandered - how had he died? The cause hadn't been listed which lead me to think that no one had actually cared how or that it was a terminal illness or some tragic accident.
I wonder if he was an all right guy...
In this case, it would be best not to assume too much about the dead, you know? They've moved on to another life that is hopefully better lest their karma chase them.
I Love Him More!
Over the past weekend I went to a party at a friend of a friend's house and had a blast. They were smoking hookah in the kitchen and had beer pong and Mario Kart 64 (hells to the yeah!) in the living room complete with music and a ton of sitting room. Their trailer is loitered with couches and recliners. Having just come from the bar after a Woodchuck, a car bomb, a fail of an "Apple" (we subbed Magners) Pie a la mode and PBR (because a guy was so kind to buy myself and my sketching friend a drink) I was feeling pretty good. I know I was because that PBR started to taste good. Even the Coors and Bud Light I had at the party tasted good.
Eventually, about an hour after I had gotten there Awesome Host #1 turns on the Nintendo 64 for us silly people and says, "Ya'll can play Mario Kart!" I love Mario Kart. I instantly jump on the chance and some kid named Taylor and I were unraveling the controllers and I end up with the first controller. Very purposefully too as well. As soon as I sat down in my spot and the music brought our attention to the opening menu a girl makes this statement, "Oh my God, I love Yoshi! I call dibs." I simply turned to her and calmly said, "We'll see." She has no idea and she's decently drunk but still coherent enough. I think. Hearing this my roommate goads her on and says, "Uh-oh, watch out for this girl" -- pointing at me -- "she's obsessed! She had a yoshi wallet." Now it's like a little mini challenge.
"I do too!"
"I have two wallets," I correct my roommate and he passes it on.
"I have a Yoshi poster on my wall." I politely say that I do not wish to get into it. Am I afraid of losing? No. Never mind the fact that I have a Yoshi puzzle I've constructed and hung on my wall. And kept the box. Because it has a Yoshi on it. And those cute little chapsticks and their packages. I can hardly use them because they're special. In my mind I think, "How could I lose? She's got nothing on me".
Finally back to the actual game as soon as Character Select Menu comes up I slide down a space and claim Yoshi in about a second. There's a reason I am first player. A very good reason. No one else can play Yoshi because in the event that I am not Yoshi - I'll forfeit. I've done it in Super Smash Bros. games and the like. I hate going against Yoshi. Those cute little dinosaurs are like my kryptonite. There's no way in hell I can let myself blast Yoshi with a Red Turtle Shell or run him over with a Star Power. It'll destroy my psyche. For the first few races (four versus) I kick ass. Even though I'm pretty buzzed (trust me, I know when I am drunk - that came later in the party).
Start of Round Two I lose - bastards hit me with a shell on my jump in Wario Stadium planting me in last. So I give up the controller to an unworthy person who continually expresses dissatisfaction at being Yoshi and how much he perceives him to suck. It was painful to watch and listen to. I'm not sure how many times he died in my mind or how many black eyes he got, but sufficient to say I kept my cool and snatched the controller from him as soon as he lost. How dare he.
I really like Yoshi. In effect badmouthing him or any of them would be the close equivalent of someone abusing someone precious to you - like your best friend or such. Just imagine it like that. It's close but not quite.
Eventually, about an hour after I had gotten there Awesome Host #1 turns on the Nintendo 64 for us silly people and says, "Ya'll can play Mario Kart!" I love Mario Kart. I instantly jump on the chance and some kid named Taylor and I were unraveling the controllers and I end up with the first controller. Very purposefully too as well. As soon as I sat down in my spot and the music brought our attention to the opening menu a girl makes this statement, "Oh my God, I love Yoshi! I call dibs." I simply turned to her and calmly said, "We'll see." She has no idea and she's decently drunk but still coherent enough. I think. Hearing this my roommate goads her on and says, "Uh-oh, watch out for this girl" -- pointing at me -- "she's obsessed! She had a yoshi wallet." Now it's like a little mini challenge.
"I do too!"
"I have two wallets," I correct my roommate and he passes it on.
"I have a Yoshi poster on my wall." I politely say that I do not wish to get into it. Am I afraid of losing? No. Never mind the fact that I have a Yoshi puzzle I've constructed and hung on my wall. And kept the box. Because it has a Yoshi on it. And those cute little chapsticks and their packages. I can hardly use them because they're special. In my mind I think, "How could I lose? She's got nothing on me".
Finally back to the actual game as soon as Character Select Menu comes up I slide down a space and claim Yoshi in about a second. There's a reason I am first player. A very good reason. No one else can play Yoshi because in the event that I am not Yoshi - I'll forfeit. I've done it in Super Smash Bros. games and the like. I hate going against Yoshi. Those cute little dinosaurs are like my kryptonite. There's no way in hell I can let myself blast Yoshi with a Red Turtle Shell or run him over with a Star Power. It'll destroy my psyche. For the first few races (four versus) I kick ass. Even though I'm pretty buzzed (trust me, I know when I am drunk - that came later in the party).
Start of Round Two I lose - bastards hit me with a shell on my jump in Wario Stadium planting me in last. So I give up the controller to an unworthy person who continually expresses dissatisfaction at being Yoshi and how much he perceives him to suck. It was painful to watch and listen to. I'm not sure how many times he died in my mind or how many black eyes he got, but sufficient to say I kept my cool and snatched the controller from him as soon as he lost. How dare he.
I really like Yoshi. In effect badmouthing him or any of them would be the close equivalent of someone abusing someone precious to you - like your best friend or such. Just imagine it like that. It's close but not quite.
18 February 2014
30 Day Writing Challenge - Day Twenty-Eight
Prompt: "Day 28 —You read about yourself in your brother/sister, girlfriend/boyfriend’s diary. What did you read?"
Dear Journal,
I just witnessed the most adorable thing yet. My darling has shown me another side of her cuteness and I can't help but think I'll never be bored. Let me try to describe what happened: she was laying on the floor and must have decided not to be there anymore. I suppose you could say it was how she got off the floor is what did me in. She pushed off with her shoulder and chin rather than the standard pushing off with her hands. It was just that and all I could say was, "I love you". And then she laughed her cute little laugh.
I hope to keep seeing more.
Dear Journal,
I just witnessed the most adorable thing yet. My darling has shown me another side of her cuteness and I can't help but think I'll never be bored. Let me try to describe what happened: she was laying on the floor and must have decided not to be there anymore. I suppose you could say it was how she got off the floor is what did me in. She pushed off with her shoulder and chin rather than the standard pushing off with her hands. It was just that and all I could say was, "I love you". And then she laughed her cute little laugh.
I hope to keep seeing more.
17 February 2014
30 Day Writing Challenge - Day Twenty-Seven
Prompt: "Day 27 —Make up a near-death experience (unless you have a real one)."
When my family and I were living in California we had an... unexpected visitor. It was my Aunt and she had flown in from Hawaii. This was one of the last times I can remember actually seeing her. At the very most I must have been six years old, but it still haunts me to this day.
My Aunt Cindy was very... unstable. A drug addict since she was eighteen, pulled in through her minor modeling career. She came to us all panicked and worried. She just kept repeating that she needed some place to stay until things blew over. At that age, I didn't really understand what she said or what "being addicted" meant. I just knew there was something off.
Before dinner my mom and dad were arguing about her, about what to do with her. My mother kept saying over and over that my aunt, "Needs to leave immediately" and that she "didn't care where the hell she holed up" so long as it was away from here. Being my dad's sister, he was more defensive and told my mother to "shut the hell up and deal with it" and should anything happen he would "take care of it". Dinner was stressful. My aunt was extremely paranoid and the slightest noises set her off. Maybe the wind blew in just the right way up against our little house and she'd freeze like some sort of deer caught up in lights. Or maybe there was a faint scratching on the door. After a while it must have been too much because she started weeping. My dad tried to calm her but nothing seemed to make her smile. I wasn't sure what to do. Eventually my mom told my brother and I to go to bed.
Later that night I heard my parents arguing again. This time my aunt tried to fight back as my dad demanded to know why she was so stupid for coming here and "endangering his family". There was a dreadful pounding on the door after my dad had asked if she had been followed. To be honest, I'm not sure what happened next. I could barely make sense of the words that were exchanged and the sounds of firecrackers, really loud firecrackers around. Suddenly a man came into my room and spent most of the time tearing it up, screaming curse words. Then he saw me in my bed and grabbed me by my hair. "Where the fuck is she?" he yelled. I didn't understand so I was silent. He looked mean and ragged. "I said, 'Where the fuck is she'." He pointed a gun at me. It must have been a gun. I'd never seen one in person before. There was a bang, I remember. I felt like I had been punched by my older brother, right in the gut. Or maybe more like a hundred different versions of my brother. Even though it was already dark, I remember things started going out of focus. Which was odd because I had really good night vision. Things were fuzzy like they were when I had taken off my glasses. And then my body ached. Mostly my stomach. It wouldn't stop and I felt so wet and cold. I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand what had happened but my little body knew one thing: I had been shot and I was going to die.
I didn't hear the sirens when they came or the people shouting. I didn't feel the man who came in with a kit of some sort. He said something to me. Something like, "It's going to be all right. Hold on." I think that's what he said.
When my family and I were living in California we had an... unexpected visitor. It was my Aunt and she had flown in from Hawaii. This was one of the last times I can remember actually seeing her. At the very most I must have been six years old, but it still haunts me to this day.
My Aunt Cindy was very... unstable. A drug addict since she was eighteen, pulled in through her minor modeling career. She came to us all panicked and worried. She just kept repeating that she needed some place to stay until things blew over. At that age, I didn't really understand what she said or what "being addicted" meant. I just knew there was something off.
Before dinner my mom and dad were arguing about her, about what to do with her. My mother kept saying over and over that my aunt, "Needs to leave immediately" and that she "didn't care where the hell she holed up" so long as it was away from here. Being my dad's sister, he was more defensive and told my mother to "shut the hell up and deal with it" and should anything happen he would "take care of it". Dinner was stressful. My aunt was extremely paranoid and the slightest noises set her off. Maybe the wind blew in just the right way up against our little house and she'd freeze like some sort of deer caught up in lights. Or maybe there was a faint scratching on the door. After a while it must have been too much because she started weeping. My dad tried to calm her but nothing seemed to make her smile. I wasn't sure what to do. Eventually my mom told my brother and I to go to bed.
Later that night I heard my parents arguing again. This time my aunt tried to fight back as my dad demanded to know why she was so stupid for coming here and "endangering his family". There was a dreadful pounding on the door after my dad had asked if she had been followed. To be honest, I'm not sure what happened next. I could barely make sense of the words that were exchanged and the sounds of firecrackers, really loud firecrackers around. Suddenly a man came into my room and spent most of the time tearing it up, screaming curse words. Then he saw me in my bed and grabbed me by my hair. "Where the fuck is she?" he yelled. I didn't understand so I was silent. He looked mean and ragged. "I said, 'Where the fuck is she'." He pointed a gun at me. It must have been a gun. I'd never seen one in person before. There was a bang, I remember. I felt like I had been punched by my older brother, right in the gut. Or maybe more like a hundred different versions of my brother. Even though it was already dark, I remember things started going out of focus. Which was odd because I had really good night vision. Things were fuzzy like they were when I had taken off my glasses. And then my body ached. Mostly my stomach. It wouldn't stop and I felt so wet and cold. I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand what had happened but my little body knew one thing: I had been shot and I was going to die.
I didn't hear the sirens when they came or the people shouting. I didn't feel the man who came in with a kit of some sort. He said something to me. Something like, "It's going to be all right. Hold on." I think that's what he said.
16 February 2014
30 Day Writing Challenge - Day Twenty-Six
Prompt: "Day 26 —Write about your worst habit."
I think too much.
Ironically this came up last night while I was making out with someone I am really attracted to. Not only that, it could have led to a sexual intercourse, but I decided no. I didn't want to ruin our friendship despite all the sexual tension. And I kept thinking that and sort of spoiling the mood though that was not the reason. We just wanted to have a bit of fun.
There have been other times that this has happened but this is by far the most recent example. Maybe I should let myself have fun sometimes...
I think too much.
Ironically this came up last night while I was making out with someone I am really attracted to. Not only that, it could have led to a sexual intercourse, but I decided no. I didn't want to ruin our friendship despite all the sexual tension. And I kept thinking that and sort of spoiling the mood though that was not the reason. We just wanted to have a bit of fun.
There have been other times that this has happened but this is by far the most recent example. Maybe I should let myself have fun sometimes...
15 February 2014
30 Day Writing Challenge - Day Twenty-Five
Prompt: "Day 25 —Write a story about ‘What the Neighbors Saw.’"
What is all that noise?
Lo and behold a... saber? What nonsense is this? And chain-mail... Are my neighbors fighting with swords? There they go again, dashing across the living room with a saber and a rapier, lunging at one another childishly. Tripping over the chairs brought one down and nearly determined who was the victor. But alas! Fallen rival parried with a deft flick of the wrist and diverted the attack! Up on her feet she countered with a weak strike, still lumbering over the chairs. They continued like this and finally called the duel a draw.
I realize that my neighbors are thirty-year olds.
What is all that noise?
Lo and behold a... saber? What nonsense is this? And chain-mail... Are my neighbors fighting with swords? There they go again, dashing across the living room with a saber and a rapier, lunging at one another childishly. Tripping over the chairs brought one down and nearly determined who was the victor. But alas! Fallen rival parried with a deft flick of the wrist and diverted the attack! Up on her feet she countered with a weak strike, still lumbering over the chairs. They continued like this and finally called the duel a draw.
I realize that my neighbors are thirty-year olds.
30 Day Writing Challenge - Day Twenty-Four
Prompt: "Day 24 —Write about the longest amount of time you’ve ever gone without sleeping."
It was when I was young and bushy-tailed!
It started out with my older brother, Steven, telling me that he had just stayed up for forty-eight hours. That amazed my young six year old brain. Forty-eight hours? That was like... two days or something. So I thought I might try. And I stayed up. And waited. And waited. And you know what? I maybe got close to twenty-two hours. Finally I have up - I prized sleep more! That's pretty true today too.
It was when I was young and bushy-tailed!
It started out with my older brother, Steven, telling me that he had just stayed up for forty-eight hours. That amazed my young six year old brain. Forty-eight hours? That was like... two days or something. So I thought I might try. And I stayed up. And waited. And waited. And you know what? I maybe got close to twenty-two hours. Finally I have up - I prized sleep more! That's pretty true today too.
13 February 2014
30 Day Writing Challenge - Day Twenty-Three
Prompt: "Day 23 —Pretend you’re a cartoon character. What type of a character would you be? What would a day in your life be like?"
Mmmmmmmmm... A pokemon trainer. You want to know why? Because kids younger than I am (I'm twenty-one) can go out and travel around the world adventuring. And I seriously would love to be able to walk from city to city!
Wake up and enjoy the sound of what surely would be my precious pokemon waking me up. Despite loving all the rare type pokemon, I'd probably end up with a Slowpoke because I find them adorable. And then we would cuddle and discover that we don't have a lot of money to spare on food so we take a trip down to the forest to scavenge for some berries. After picking enough to somewhat sate our appetites we might find a nearby stream and drink a bit, play and head into town to train with some trainers looking for a battle. Not only that, we might even be able to hustle some people for money! Ohk, ohk, not so much hustling as displaying our awesome skill! And for once we would have real pokemon battles.
Mmmmmmmmm... A pokemon trainer. You want to know why? Because kids younger than I am (I'm twenty-one) can go out and travel around the world adventuring. And I seriously would love to be able to walk from city to city!
Wake up and enjoy the sound of what surely would be my precious pokemon waking me up. Despite loving all the rare type pokemon, I'd probably end up with a Slowpoke because I find them adorable. And then we would cuddle and discover that we don't have a lot of money to spare on food so we take a trip down to the forest to scavenge for some berries. After picking enough to somewhat sate our appetites we might find a nearby stream and drink a bit, play and head into town to train with some trainers looking for a battle. Not only that, we might even be able to hustle some people for money! Ohk, ohk, not so much hustling as displaying our awesome skill! And for once we would have real pokemon battles.
12 February 2014
30 Day Writing Challenge - Day Twenty-Two
Prompt: "Day 22 —You wake up with a key gripped tightly in your hand. How did you get this key? What does it lock or unlock?"
Falling... I couldn't breathe and yet... falling through the ocean was like a dream. I didn't need to breathe.
A key descended down, silver and shining and ornate. It was held by a strange man with long obsidian hair, as deeply colored as the ocean surrounding us. "Be still," he said. His voice rang clearly through my ears. Who are you? "Mirror, mirror on the wall," he began and smiled mischievously. He pushed the key through my chest and into my... heart?
When I woke up that day I found the key around my neck. Looking closely now I noticed three opal gemstones in the bow. It was beautiful. But who was that guy? "Don't worry too much about it right now. You should get ready for the day," he reminded. Now I am hearing voices in my head. He was right... Annoyingly so.
I wish somehow today I could go out.
"Why don't you?"
Good question. Though I wasn't sure I could manage that. It was quiet in the house except for the time.
Falling... I couldn't breathe and yet... falling through the ocean was like a dream. I didn't need to breathe.
A key descended down, silver and shining and ornate. It was held by a strange man with long obsidian hair, as deeply colored as the ocean surrounding us. "Be still," he said. His voice rang clearly through my ears. Who are you? "Mirror, mirror on the wall," he began and smiled mischievously. He pushed the key through my chest and into my... heart?
When I woke up that day I found the key around my neck. Looking closely now I noticed three opal gemstones in the bow. It was beautiful. But who was that guy? "Don't worry too much about it right now. You should get ready for the day," he reminded. Now I am hearing voices in my head. He was right... Annoyingly so.
I wish somehow today I could go out.
"Why don't you?"
Good question. Though I wasn't sure I could manage that. It was quiet in the house except for the time.
11 February 2014
30 Day Writing Challenge - Day Twenty-One
Prompt: "Day 21 —Find a job ad in the paper. Write about your life if you had that job."
I've been so joyful the past few months. Despite the hell it turns into during the summer when brides come in to startle Minnie and I into their bouquets and floral arrangements. To be honest I didn't put much stock in their ideas. They'd normally be pleased with picking a basic arrangement and a few specific flowers and call it good. Minnie had a talent for reading wishes and used it at every possible turn.
Today was a good day, a balmy Friday afternoon when things were starting to pick up again. Even still I was a little sleepy. But the shop smelled of flowers and fabric and it was delightful. They were gorgeous to look at and to play with and Minnie kept such wonderful company brewing a new herbal tea every few hours or so.
Life~
I've been so joyful the past few months. Despite the hell it turns into during the summer when brides come in to startle Minnie and I into their bouquets and floral arrangements. To be honest I didn't put much stock in their ideas. They'd normally be pleased with picking a basic arrangement and a few specific flowers and call it good. Minnie had a talent for reading wishes and used it at every possible turn.
Today was a good day, a balmy Friday afternoon when things were starting to pick up again. Even still I was a little sleepy. But the shop smelled of flowers and fabric and it was delightful. They were gorgeous to look at and to play with and Minnie kept such wonderful company brewing a new herbal tea every few hours or so.
Life~
10 February 2014
30 Day Writing Challenge - Day Twenty
Prompt: "Day 20 —If you could go on only one more vacation in your lifetime, where would you go and why?"
I would have to bring my best friend and we would have to go to Hawaii. I miss the secluded beaches that aren't full of people. Just the quiet and loll of ocean waves and tangible sunlight. We could do anything, say anything or do nothing and say nothing. Just enjoy each other's company, some fresh islander BBQ and whatever drinks.
I would have to bring my best friend and we would have to go to Hawaii. I miss the secluded beaches that aren't full of people. Just the quiet and loll of ocean waves and tangible sunlight. We could do anything, say anything or do nothing and say nothing. Just enjoy each other's company, some fresh islander BBQ and whatever drinks.
09 February 2014
Reminiscing
While going through Facebook I saw this comic about Venusaur adopting this Charmander and no matter how many times I read it brings me to tears. I'm not sure why it makes my heart ache. Every now and then I realize that mortality is a very real thing and there's always the prospect of someone I hold dear passing into the next life. It's tragic to lose precious people.
Right now, while I am still experiencing nostalgia, I remembered a strange memory from when I was a child:
While I was living in Alaska my family was settling into a new house and structure. My father had just won the custody case against my mother and my babysitter had just become my new mom.
My new mom read books to me. One of the books I remember distinctly was Love You Forever. This story has always remained at the back of my mind.
Right now, while I am still experiencing nostalgia, I remembered a strange memory from when I was a child:
While I was living in Alaska my family was settling into a new house and structure. My father had just won the custody case against my mother and my babysitter had just become my new mom.
My new mom read books to me. One of the books I remember distinctly was Love You Forever. This story has always remained at the back of my mind.
Dear Diary, (#1)
Dear Diary,
In the air I taste another low creeping up on me.
Aside from that today has been incredibly unproductive and boring. For the Art Club I have a little assignment to illustrate a page of story but feel unmotivated to do it right now. It's due Tuesday. Sweet mother, dear Procrastination.
Maybe I feel like I need to be more social right now. I'm bored. Hungry. And tired though I slept a good portion of the day away. I need to do something to combat the onset of another depressive spell. Maybe I should write. Or sink back into pleasant daydreams.
On the plus side, I made a fun quip about the Yoshi game coming out on the Wii U. I might just buy that game to have it. I should get the system as well. Puppies. Pomskies. Yoshis. Cute, adorable dinosaurs. Mamegomas.
In the air I taste another low creeping up on me.
Aside from that today has been incredibly unproductive and boring. For the Art Club I have a little assignment to illustrate a page of story but feel unmotivated to do it right now. It's due Tuesday. Sweet mother, dear Procrastination.
Maybe I feel like I need to be more social right now. I'm bored. Hungry. And tired though I slept a good portion of the day away. I need to do something to combat the onset of another depressive spell. Maybe I should write. Or sink back into pleasant daydreams.
On the plus side, I made a fun quip about the Yoshi game coming out on the Wii U. I might just buy that game to have it. I should get the system as well. Puppies. Pomskies. Yoshis. Cute, adorable dinosaurs. Mamegomas.
30 Day Writing Challenge - Day Nineteen
Prompt: "Day 19 —Write a list of 25 (or just 5!) things you want to do in your life."
1. Have a lasting marriage.
2. Start a family.
3. Travel to 20 countries.
4. Eat healthier.
5. Maintain friendships.
6. Skydive.
7. Take diving lessons.
8. Be an artist.
9. Publish a book.
10. Live abroad for five years.
11. Dance in a ball.
12. Learn how to dance classical dances!
13. Learn Korean.
14. Learn Japanese.
15. Learn German.
16. Take a good picture!
17. Adopt a teen.
18. Excel at archery.
19. Learn Tae Kwon Do
20. Learn Wing Chun
21. Win a bar fight.
22. Make strangers smile.
23. Take lots of pictures for my kids.
24. Learn how to cook for my family.
25. Be an awesome mother.
1. Have a lasting marriage.
2. Start a family.
3. Travel to 20 countries.
4. Eat healthier.
5. Maintain friendships.
6. Skydive.
7. Take diving lessons.
8. Be an artist.
9. Publish a book.
10. Live abroad for five years.
11. Dance in a ball.
12. Learn how to dance classical dances!
13. Learn Korean.
14. Learn Japanese.
15. Learn German.
16. Take a good picture!
17. Adopt a teen.
18. Excel at archery.
19. Learn Tae Kwon Do
20. Learn Wing Chun
21. Win a bar fight.
22. Make strangers smile.
23. Take lots of pictures for my kids.
24. Learn how to cook for my family.
25. Be an awesome mother.
08 February 2014
Meet Yoshis
Meet some Yoshis. Aren't they super adorable? I like this picture - it's rather accurate to what I've grown up with them looking like and it shows the nice diversity in color that they are born into. Ah. More to come. Because they are super adorable and have amazing abilities. I wish my metabolism was that fast!
30 Day Writing Challenge - Day Eighteen
Prompt: "Day 18 —Take a reader behind the wheel with the worst driver you’ve ever known."
Breathe, steady. Otherwise is was a beautiful summer day in the Black Hills and the sun was getting ready to set over Lake Pactola. View is grand. But I suppose the only reason I am concerned is because of how impossible it seems for the driver to stay within the lines as we turn endlessly around cliffs on cliffs. She's not drunk and she's not tired. If anything I'd say she were nervous because this is the fifth time she's ever driven in her life (not consistently mind you) and she's learning.
Breathe again. It's going to be all right. Attempt not humor because she's pulling awfully clo- FUCK. I think that's what I would say if I had a moment to prepare myself. But it's happened all too quickly as we roll (thankfully) against the side of the cliff instead of off it. We didn't plummet into watery death or crash upon some rocks. Actually, we're hanging upside down. And we're in shock.
Breathe, steady. Otherwise is was a beautiful summer day in the Black Hills and the sun was getting ready to set over Lake Pactola. View is grand. But I suppose the only reason I am concerned is because of how impossible it seems for the driver to stay within the lines as we turn endlessly around cliffs on cliffs. She's not drunk and she's not tired. If anything I'd say she were nervous because this is the fifth time she's ever driven in her life (not consistently mind you) and she's learning.
Breathe again. It's going to be all right. Attempt not humor because she's pulling awfully clo- FUCK. I think that's what I would say if I had a moment to prepare myself. But it's happened all too quickly as we roll (thankfully) against the side of the cliff instead of off it. We didn't plummet into watery death or crash upon some rocks. Actually, we're hanging upside down. And we're in shock.
Fighting Over the Tele
First, I cannot deny that I have long been without the capacity to enjoy others' company since I started working again. Something about work consistently exhausts me though it isn't difficult and is actually enjoyable at this point in my life.
Secondly, I'm just always irritable after work when it comes to people who don't normally intrude upon my personal space (oddly by associating more with my roommate than myself). I'm just that way.
So now about the title: since my roommate's tele broke we're left downgrading in the living room from his 42 inch, to my 32 inch. I was farming for some cash for an achievement in which I am a tenth of the way now down to less than that. (10 million gald for an achievement? Sheesh). Then one friend came over and started complaining and wanted to watch a movie. But I am stubborn and she can wait because I am having me time (in the middle of the living room ironically). So I keep playing. After about an hour longer and a few failed attempts on her part on summoning other people my roommate asks politely if I was at a part "where we can watch a movie soon"? I'm sucker to at least compromising with my roommate for what should be obvious reasons in the courtesy department.
Two more people show up and the Addams Family has been on for really about ten minutes. Our apartment is full of people and I've almost had my fill of irritation. It must be getting close to that time...
How interesting this is. And to think this isn't over video games like it is all those other times. That's a whole set of different stories itself.
Some words from the John Hancock, "The greatest ability in business is to get along with others and influence their actions." Eat them, digest them and hopefully work them into something deliciously awesome and feel a bit better about having company. Unless you have it often and wish it would go away. In that case throw beer for men and chocolate for girls.
Secondly, I'm just always irritable after work when it comes to people who don't normally intrude upon my personal space (oddly by associating more with my roommate than myself). I'm just that way.
So now about the title: since my roommate's tele broke we're left downgrading in the living room from his 42 inch, to my 32 inch. I was farming for some cash for an achievement in which I am a tenth of the way now down to less than that. (10 million gald for an achievement? Sheesh). Then one friend came over and started complaining and wanted to watch a movie. But I am stubborn and she can wait because I am having me time (in the middle of the living room ironically). So I keep playing. After about an hour longer and a few failed attempts on her part on summoning other people my roommate asks politely if I was at a part "where we can watch a movie soon"? I'm sucker to at least compromising with my roommate for what should be obvious reasons in the courtesy department.
Two more people show up and the Addams Family has been on for really about ten minutes. Our apartment is full of people and I've almost had my fill of irritation. It must be getting close to that time...
How interesting this is. And to think this isn't over video games like it is all those other times. That's a whole set of different stories itself.
Some words from the John Hancock, "The greatest ability in business is to get along with others and influence their actions." Eat them, digest them and hopefully work them into something deliciously awesome and feel a bit better about having company. Unless you have it often and wish it would go away. In that case throw beer for men and chocolate for girls.
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